Today's Review: The Guy Typing Really Loudly On The Train

I went to London today, it was good stuff, especially due to the new free iPhone 4 replacement I got (Thanks to lovely Christopher of the Covent Garden Apple Store, you're my favourite kind of genius, the kind that gives me free stuff). So on the way home I was, happily tossing particularly riled up birds at things, when all of a sudden - holy mother of God what is that outrageously loud tapping?

There's a guy in front of me, a couple of seats down, and all I can hear is the cries of his laptop's keys as he unceremoniously batters them with his fingers. Every application of the space bar is like a thunderclap. Okay, I might be exaggerating a little here, but he was typing pretty damn loudly. I'm aware of the noise that I'm currently making as I type this, it's certainly noticeable, but nowhere near as much as the guy on the train.

Granted, I don't know the whole story, maybe his laptop just has naturally loud keys. But I was feeling judgemental, and he was that kind of commuter type, you know the kind, the one who feels his bag deserves its own seat. So let's roll with it.

I suppose it wouldn't be so bad if he were a pretty fast typer. His fingers would skip along the keys merrily, never dwelling enough to slam their down their fingery vengeance. But this guy was kinda slow. Not the slowest typer I've heard, but there was a good few seconds between each thunderous space bar application. It was slow deliberate typing, which I immediately took to mean, in my dickish frame of mind, "Hey, look everybody, I'm doing really important work that demands loud keystrokes!"

I guess my main concern was for the keyboard itself. My laptops have been no stranger to abuse. My first Windows laptop was severely punched for constantly jolty video playback, and sadly my fist destroyed the hard drive. My first MacBook shut down for no apparent reason, though my daughter puking milk into the keys couldn't have helped. My second MacBook was dropped on its screen due to a precariously short network cable, but thankfully I still had "Pukey Mac" to hand so I could swap screens over. That's right, my current MacBook is a freakish Frankenstein's monster creation borne of the abuse of laptops with a combined value of £1600. Now I cringe every time a piece of the notoriously flimsy casing gets cracked, I squirm every time there could be any excess pressure applied to the screen. My heart aches when I hear someone viciously poking at their keyboard like a disgruntled caveman.

You probably think I'm being unfair, you might disagree with what I'm saying, but just don't type so damn hard, people. Slide your fingers across your laptop keyboard as if your typing were a sensual encounter with the man/woman/object of your dreams. Words are best when they flow beautifully, and fingers gliding gracefully across a keyboard will produce more fluid poetry than barbaric hammering. I bid you good night, and make sure you watch out for the review from that guy about "That judgemental jerk playing Angry Birds on the train home while I was trying to work"

My rating:

THIS COULD BE YOU!!! (Situation may have been exaggerated for dramatic effect)