Today's Review: This Email I Got Today

I really hope this is a genuine email sent by some mixed up person, because as spam it fails in so many ways. Even before we hit the main body there are some glaring errors. For instance, who exactly is it from? Someone named Julie, sure (no capitalisation), but is her surname LEROY or just ROY (unnecessary capitalisation), with LE as a middle name? I assume the later, as according to her email address she is French. The second thing I notice is that Julie the ROY has sent this email to an address that isn't even mine. I'm not quite sure how that happened, but maybe this email found its way to me for a reason. Perhaps i'm privileged to some secret information meant for someone else. Okay, now i'm excited.

"Hello,buddy" the email states. I wish people would call me buddy more, feels good. The next sentence is actually quite promising: "I got a message from one of my friends ,who asked me to share one message for him". It has no spelling mistakes or anything. This must be a legitimate email. Could be better worded, grammar could be better, but this isn't a professional operation, this is from buddy to buddy. So what is this important message?

October was a great month for business, eh? That's good, even though it was  over 4 months ago. But what kind of business? That's up to my imagination. People smuggling? Erectile dysfunction pills? The sky's the limit. "We have reloaded our inventory". Oh, so it's guns? They're trusting I keep a very open mind about this mysterious company. "Our units are fresh and priced for market". Fresh guns? This is getting stranger by the minute. Fresh, reloaded stock though, that sounds intriguing. That sounds like some amalgamated hotshot business term that'll set the clients' teeth on edge.

So i'm about ready to buy... Whatever it is. But wait, free shipping?! Before "Chrsitmas"?! I know they can't have misspelled Christmas, 'cause that was ages ago, and it's even more ages 'til the next. This must be some festive season I don't know about. To celebrate the Christians sitting down or something. Discounts for "bigger order" too, so it must be a site selling celebratory gifts that I want to buy for all my friends.

I'm sold. Let me at 'em, I don't care how much it costs, i'm ready to embrace the Chrsitmas spirit. So I click on the link. Oh, it doesn't work. But I am not defeated that easily. This deal must be so good they want it to be kept hidden from the lazy people. Thankfully Chrome lets me Google the term. I get a bunch of crap about the German version of Animal Crossing. Okay. It's kinda starting to look like this wasn't a legitimate friendly offer from a close friend at all. I think i've been spammed!

I read the rest of the email just in case there's something I missed. My good non-friend Julie the Roy bought a MacBook there apparently. What the hell? Computers? I have 2 of them. I'm on a MacBook right now. Why would I want to buy another one, let alone more than one for bigger order discounts. Turns out Chrsitmas is just another Apple created holiday to increase their profit margins. Swines.

This email sucks. It made me so excited, but then dashed my dreams against a rock like some wild barbarian. I won't fall for anything like this again. I must be off now though, my good friend the Nigerian prince has arranged a meeting place for us to go about our inheritance business. See ya when i'm rich, suckers!

My rating: 1/5