Today's Review: Letter Openers

You know what's relevant in today's worlds more than ever? Letters. There's something infinitely useful about having information relayed in paper form over the space of a few days, especially considering the new and frightening prospect of information turning up in your email inbox immediately, but having to rummage through messages from Nigerian princes and penis enlargement companies. Much too dangerous if you ask me, whereas I trust my postman with my life.

The only trouble is those pesky envelopes. I understand their importance in hiding my private information from ne'er do wells, but sometimes it's so cumbersome just to get the ruddy things open. I used to jam my stubby fingers into the tiny opening between the flap and the envelope itself, ending up with a mangled mess of paper that my neighbours would positively swoon over if they saw. But now I have a letter opener.

A letter opener's only useful function is opening letters. It is not sharp enough to serve any other purpose, it is solely for sliding underneath the envelope flap and pulling upwards with enough force to neatly tear my envelope and reveal the juicy contents. Thanks to the letter opener, opening letters take mere seconds, compared to the several other seconds it would take to open with my God given hands. Clearly God did not think about the struggles of envelope opening when he made our fingers. Perhaps if he made one of our little fingers more blade like, we wouldn't be in this predicament. But thankfully, we have letter openers instead.

Thank you letter openers, you have helped me regain much of my lifespan, and have left me with a collection of nicely ripped envelopes that will delight my nosy neighbour when he goes sneaking through my rubbish.

My rating: 5/5