Today's Review: The Smurfs

How many kid's movies do you want to bring out Sony? You know they'll probably incur my wrath, just look at my Zookeeper review. But I used to love The Smurfs, and clearly you think nothing is sacred anymore. Mainly because what starts out as a nice little nostalgia trip into the quaint village of the Smurfs quickly goes tits up as due to some random plot device they end up in New York.

Yes, the Smurfs in New York, the mind boggles. I guess kids today aren't satisfied enough with the capers of little blue men (and one woman) being chased around a forest by an evil wizard, so they have to be introduced to a story about a couple in New York who are about to have a baby, and the husband has a stressful job as an advertising executive under a cruel boss named Cruella Odile (that name sure sounds familiar).

I'm not going to go into too much detail here, because it's getting late, and I already pointed out the main things wrong with this movie in the last "things that shouldn't talk end up talking, freaking a guy out, then helping him" movie. The human element is stupid, especially since it's been overdone. It ends up being pushed into the background anyway, because there's no real tension in that story, we're just trying to root for the good little Smurfs trying to get home. I guess this is the 21st century, and everything has to have a modern feel about it, but again there are constant references to things that adults would probably recognise, it's a cheap shot that is employed in so many movie nowadays, and I hate it. If you want to make me happy watching this movie as an adult, just have it set in the damn Smurf village.

The Smurfs isn't an abysmal movie. At least there's some semblance of plot progression, and the actors do perform adequately with the one dimensional stupid roles they're given. There was a point at the beginning of the movie where I was sure they weren't going to mention that Smurfette was in fact created by Gargamel, but thankfully they have stayed true to the old cartoon. Still, it's a small consolation, seeing as this movie is pretty bad. Kids will probably love it, sadly, but I wouldn't advise you go out of your way to watch it.

My rating: 1/5

Today's Review: The Involuntary Tip I Gave The Pizza Guy Yesterday

I ordered some pizza yesterday, clearly nothing out of the ordinary there. I suppose I order a lot of Pizza Hut, but it's not like it's a weekly thing. I cook meals a lot of the time. Don't you judge me.

Anyway, the total of my order came to £15.60, or something in that region of pennies. The driver stated the amount, I handed him a 20, and he proceeded to inform me that he owed me £3.40 in change. Really. Mr. Driver? Something doesn't sound right there. But what do you say? "Sorry man, your mathematics is terrible, so I'm going to have to demand you provide me with that extra pound that society tells me I should give to you as a tip anyway"?

I'm not a big tipper, as you may have realised. Sure, tips are good for those who receive them, but I've never had a job where I've been tipped, and I've gone out of my way to help customer more than people who've brought food to my table or stood and cut my hair. But at the end of this exchange of cash for pizza, I couldn't help but feel he did it on purpose. Perhaps I was meant to fall for his ploy of bad mathematics, and feel sorry for him. I'd think he needs this extra pound because he is clearly not educated,  when in fact he is akin to a super villain, rubbing his hands together and cackling maniacally upon returning to his car that smells like pepperoni and grease.

I'll go with my gut here. Yes, driver, you win this round, and I congratulate you on your craftiness. An effort to trick me like that is actually almost deserving of a tip, or at least that's what I tell myself to feel better about the whole situation.

My rating: 2/5

Today's Review: My Tram Experience

There's a video going viral on YouTube at the moment called "My Tram Experience", which shows a woman giving an inspirational speech concerning various ethnic minorities dotted around the tram she's travelling on. Be warned there is a lot of strong language, as she is so committed to her cause

I congratulate this fine, upstanding citizen on confronting an issue that is so prevalent in today's society. She towers above the other passengers in her sheer grasp of English vocabulary, often using the word "fuck", which is indeed a word with many versatiles usages. I have for a while now suspected that the very downfall of our society is caused by "brown and black people", the popular media and my own personal (yet clearly fallible) experience had previously attributed it to lazy English youngsters who can't be bothered to get a job and have been suspiciously starting to mumble constantly in a Jamaican accent.

This woman is clearly a hero, instilling the best of our nation's pride into the impressionable young child on her lap. Hopefully he can grow up to be a proud British gentleman who spends his time throwing F-bombs at anyone whose skin is an off white hue, instead of going out and getting a job like some other muppet. Seriously guys, you can just go on benefits nowadays and spend all your spare time complaining about "efnics".

Particular shame on the coloured woman who attempts to calm the situation, doesn't she realise that this rousing speech is reminiscent of the finest produced by Churchill or Luther King? Perhaps if she spent more time focussing on the real issues plaguing Britain she'd realise that the real problem we face is an influx of people from a place called "Nigrafrica", a country I previously didn't know existed.

I know where this fine British lady is coming from. I know there are many people who complain about foreigners coming and taking their jobs, but I am one of few who have actually experienced it. Once I went for a lunch break, and when I returned to work it turned out one of those Polish people had stolen my job while I was absent. Now I am rendered incapable of working, because I could look for more work, but I can't be bothered because some foreigner will come and take that off me too.

Thank you, eloquent YouTube lady. It's so great your expletive-laden voice was heard far and wide within that one tram car. Your arrest is clearly an act of political injustice, and not, contrary to popular belief, because you're a massive twat.

My rating: 5/5

Today's Review: Badly Lip Synced Adverts

There's nothing worse to watch during an ad break than hearing a person talk, but watching the person on screen move their lips in an entirely unconvincing manner. They're clearly not saying the stuff you're hearing, the voice doesn't even match the person, what's going on?

I understand that in some cases the advert could be foreign and the voices merely dubbed over in English. But why? I get that movies have to be dubbed, because reshooting it in English would cost a lot more. But getting an actual English person to drive a car or wipe a cloth over a surface wouldn't exactly break the bank.

Badly dubbed adverts look sloppy, ad they infuriate me. Maybe if they made more of an effort I'd be more interested in their products.

My rating: 0/5

Today's Review: TT3D: Closer To The Edge

I know next to nothing about motorbike races, so I pretty much went into TT3D having no idea what it was about, except motorbikes. It's something I probably would have normally skimmed over, but since I could rent it for free, and due to the fact that it was on 3D Blu-Ray, I gave it a go.

TT3D is a documentary that covers the TT race in the Isle Of Man in 2010, and the build up to it. We predominantly follow Guy Martin, a straight talking maverick of a racer who doesn't take much crap and is determined for things to go his way so he can snatch victory. A few other racers are introduced and interviewed, and despite the racers all having quite different personalities, they all share the same unwavering passion for racing.

I don't think I've really seen too many documentaries that aren't trying to get a point across. I've seen a lot of Michael Moore movies, also Religulous and Supersize Me. Each one certainly skews the presented subject matter in the narrator's favour. TT3D, however, is a simple documentation of the preparation for the races, and the riders' views about their sport and motivations. There is some narration throughout, but I don't really see why. All we get is Jared Leto (for some reason), stating some facts about the races in a voice that just makes him sound extremely bored. Every time I heard his drawn out tone I wondered why it was there at all.

The 3D, while certainly a novel thing for documentary purposes, is a bit hit and miss. Sure, it looks nice, but most of the footage is just of the racers talking. The race scenes do look great, but a lot of the footage presented is from the riders' own helmets, so the 3D conversion falls a bit flat in that respect. Still, the picture quality is great, and we see all the glorious shininess of the bikes, the dirt being kicked up by the wheels, pretty much every detail.

TT3D was an interesting documentary. It was a good decision to predominantly follow Guy Martin, as having interviews with just the other guys would have made the movie drag a little, but Guy is certainly a character, always talking with a mischievous look in his eyes and stirring up trouble around the island. While the film starts out simply explaining what the TT is all about and watching the racers get their bikes ready, the latter half is certainly much more involved, with the drivers reacting to the race results, and also delving into some previous accidents and the risks involved with road racing at such high speeds.

TT3D is a nice documentary. It doesn't try and shove an opinion down your throat, it simply presents a fairly extensive look at the TT races, and maanges to add some quite emotional elements as events unfold. I don't really like racing, and I still enjoyed it. Maybe you will too.

My rating: 4/5

Today's Review: Spending Money I Don't Have On A Lovely New Mac

It's fair to say my financial situation is not the best at the moment. Since I got a credit card and vowed to hardly use it, I have in fact used it quite a lot this year, especially a few months ago when we thought "screw it, let's just buy all the furniture we need and pay it off later". Unfortunately that lured me into 3D TV territory, so there's quite a bit outstanding. Still, it's manageable. But my Macbook has been in a pretty bad state for a while, and to really ensure that nothing in my place was falling to pieces anymore, I've been looking to buy a Mac Mini, the cheapest of the Apple computer range. 

Casually looking at eBay yesterday I noticed an almost new Mac Mini going for quite a nice price, so against better judgement I bought that bad boy. Then I realised I kinda needed a monitor to go with it too. So here it is in all its splendour.

Awesome? Yes. Worth the money? Indeed. For less than the price of a new Mac Mini I got a month old Mac Mini with proper Apple keyboard and Magic Mouse (dem's expensive), and an 8GB RAM upgrade installed. Good stuff. The monitor was surprisingly cheap though. But was it a good purchase for me? Almost certainly not. Now I am very much in debt, and must engage maximum saving mode in order to be able to pay all of my nice new stuff off. But hopefully the threat of looming debt will force me to change my money spending ways, and my technological brain is quite happy with the setup I now have adorning the living room. 

Still, I have a problem. I invariably spend money faster than I can make it, and too much of that behaviour can lead to very bad things. So while I am very much enjoying my latest purchase, for me it has to be a nail in the coffin of excessive spending, or I might have to rework this blog into an advertising platform for when I start selling my body.

My rating: 3/5

Today's Review: Transformers: Dark Of The Moon

They say "dark side of the moon" all the way through, but I guess they didn't want the title to sound like a tie in with Pink Floyd...

Yay, it's a third Transformers movie. If you like your massive robots and explosions, you probably won't be disappointed. If you enjoyed the second Transformers, you probably won't be disappointed either, but I thought the second was kinda bad.

It's good to see this carries on the tradition. We start the new movie following the recent exploits of Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf), as he has hooked up with a random girl who isn't Megan Fox. She is referred to as a bitch though, so good job on being tactful there, Michael Bay. Anyway, Sam is a bit down on his luck, and struggling to find a job, but when he eventually does he finds himself quickly embroiled in the latest Autobot/Decepticon world ending war event. This time it's tied in so that the moon landings were a cover up to investigate a crashed ship, but while they try and tie it in neatly to stock footage, nothing can detract attention away from a CGId Kennedy face.

Soon all the robots are present, and after explaining some plot that could bring about the end of the world, the explosions and gunfire begin. Unfortunately this movie wastes a hell of a lot of time setting up the story, and doesn't do it very well. Where Revenge Of The Fallen had enough bad comic relief to put off a lot of fans of the first, Dark Of The Moon just keeps on going. The one liners are bad, the comedy is almost reduced to slapstick, and the characters are all so over the top that it seems like Transformers is set in an alternate universe where giant sentient robots exist, but also every human being on the planet is just a ridiculous caricature.

There are also some wise cracking tiny robots with stupid accents, apparently because all the stupid attempts at human comedy were not enough, and we need some racial stereotype voices layered on top of some mechanical characters too. So yes, the first hour and a half of the movie is quite insufferable. Any time there's an action scene, and the story seems to be progressing, we're treated to just as much footage of Sam stumbling over desks or getting into awkward situations with co-workers.

Thankfully it does pick up near the end. When all of the build up is out of the way all that's left is to wrap it all up with climactic action scenes. While Michael Bay may be ridiculed for his use of explosions, he certainly is good at making them. At two and a half hours the movie goes on for too long, but most of the first half could have been cut if anyone with a real sense of humour was allowed in the editing room, hell, even employed to write the thing. But what you find in the final scenes of the film is some damn good special effects laden action sequences. The flimsy plot may not hold up beforehand, but during the last moments you're really egging the guys on as they dodge explosions and evil robots to save the world, pure Hollywood style.

Transformers: Dark Of The Moon is a pure Hollywood movie. A strong script and great actors are not really to be expected, but they certainly make it worse with all the ridiculous jokes and slapstick dotted throughout the first half. But looking at the movie as a whole, it's not bad.

My rating: 3/5