Today's Review: Poundland's Instant Cupcake

I could tell this was special just by looking at it. It's got a space on the top for you top add "To..." and "From..." names. This instant cupcake is the gift that says "I care about you so much that I thought this Poundland item would be an acceptable gift, and it also demonstrates my complete lack of faith in your cooking ability". Forget about adding eggs to your Betty Crocker mix and sticking it in the oven for an undetermined amount of time, all this baby needs is 30ml of water and a minute in the microwave. When I'd added the water and mixed it all up, it did smell suspiciously like custard instead of cake mix, but I pressed on. As in the "on" button on the microwave. Ha, I'm witty.

Here's the end result. I wouldn't say it was quite the conventional cupcake, but since it is in a cup I can't argue with their use of terminology. The casing suggests you top it off with some cream or frosting, presumably so they can cover up the vast lack of cake that takes up the top part of the cup. But I'm not here to review frosting, I know I can make good frosting. The question is, what does the cake taste like?

Actually, I was pleasantly surprised. Sure, it's not the best, most succulent cake in the world, but for something I literally poured some water in and nuked for a minute it tasted pretty nice. I was prepared to make a joke about the cup doubling as a receptacle for the puke that results from eating the cake, but now I can't. Even though I just mentioned it. But yeah, pretty nice cake, considering the circumstances. It just goes to show. You should never judge a cake by its shoddy packaging.

My rating: 4/5

Today's Review: Justice

Yeah, also known as "Seeking Justice" in America, where it's not even out yet. Our title is way more catchy though.

Justice stars relatively unknown actor Nicholas Cage as Will, a man whose life is turned upside down when his wife is attacked and raped by an unknown assailant. While waiting in the hospital for news of her condition, and clearly distraught, he is approached by a man named Simon (Guy Pearce), who says he represents an organisation that can take care of the perpetrator in exchange for a favour in the future. Will obviously agrees, and justice is swiftly brought down. But later on, when it becomes time for Will to keep up his end of the bargain, he finds himself thrown into a deadly situation in which no one can be trusted.

Justice has a pretty good concept, and for the most part pulls it off pretty well. The shady organisation has all the cool hallmarks. We've got shady meetings, code phrases, undercover operatives, it all seems pretty nicely organised. They even apparently have sponsorships from several snack food companies, because almost every instruction Will receives entails him purchasing a candy bar or some gum. Anyway, the suspense is pretty nicely sustained throughout the movie, and twists and turns pop up all the time. 

The only gripe I have is that with everything building up to a great conclusion, it's not what's delivered. Sure, there's an ending, but with all the build up the final scenes feel a little bit rushed. Still, it's as much about the journey as it is the destination, and there are some nice scenes throughout that make Justice a pretty good action movie. 

Nicholas Cage is his normal self, shouting at things in a confused manner. But I guess that fits Will's character quite nicely, so perhaps Cage is the best casting choice. The rest of the cast are okay, not really anything special, but we're not here for award winning performances, we're here for thrills and action, and Justice certainly delivers on that.

Justice is far from perfect, but it's a well rounded thriller with a neat concept. Perhaps with a little more tweaking round the edges of the plot it could have been a lot better.

My rating: 3/5

Today's Review: Crispy Crunch Rocky

I do love a good Rocky bar from time to time. They're crunchy and tasty, even though they're so small that often one is never enough. I've always gone for the original red variety, but today my eye was drawn to this flavour, one that I'd never seen before. Rockys by themselves are pretty crunchy, but with this one it's in the name. How does it stack up?

Not too well really. As soon as I bit into it something was up. There was no crunch, just some kind of soft squidge as my teeth sank into the wafer inside. Yes, the awesome biscuit that exists inside the original Rocky is gone, replaced by plain old ordinary wafer. I guess it tastes okay, but it's nothing like I was expecting, and compared to the original and best it's just a little disappointing.

My rating: 2/5

Today's Review: Adverts Featuring An Ensemble Of Regular People Singing

There seems to have been an epidemic of these things lately. On the way home yesterday I was treated to a radio ad for Morrisons, a supermarket chain, in which several "regular joes" participated in a singalong to a well known tune. I can't quite remember what it was, I was just spending the time wondering why on earth being forced to listen to people singing would make me want to go and buy my groceries from a particular chain.

It started out innocently enough. These mass singalongs had purpose, they brought people together to convey a message about the product or company. Here, for example, is a T Mobile produced singalong flash mob to promote the togetherness that the network can provide:

But apparently that ad fared quite well, because before long everyone was doing it, regardless of the message they were trying to convey. We have endless ads featuring regular people crowding together to go to places, singing feel good songs and trying to inspire us to buy products through a sense of national togetherness. Well, I ain't buying it. Sure, a bit of patriotism isn't a bad thing, but that doesn't mean I feel a sense of national pride when I hear a bunch of members of the public brutalising an otherwise good song by singing it segmented and off key. Here's the latest in the line of wonderful singalong ads, released by Cadbury to "inspire" our athletes in the Olympics. I was stuck watching this in front of a video on the internet, and the damn thing was longer than the video I wants to watch:

Isn't that just great? A bunch of people screeching into microphones at radio stations as if people are actually encouraging this. If I were a British athlete and woke up to that noise in the early morning, I'd throw my event at the games, and when they asked me what went wrong in the interview afterwards, I'd lay the blame solely on Cadbury and their stupid advertising.

Call me an unpatriotic jerk all you want, but if these people were on The X Factor we'd be laughing them off the stage. Just stop this madness, people. Hearing regular people screeching on TV will not inspire me to buy your product.

My rating: 0/5

Today's Review: The Help

The Help is a drama based in civil rights era America. Skeeter (Emma Stone), a girl who has just graduated college and returned home to become a journalist, is horrified to discover that the maid who pretty much raised her has left the family household, and that her former school friends have all settled down, had children, and hired their own black maids to do all the menial chores that are beneath them, including looking after their own children. The most notably racist of the women of the town is Hilly (Bryce Dallas Howard), who is attempting to build separate outdoors bathrooms for the help so that their "diseases" can't be spread to the decent white folk. Skeeter is horrified by the treatment of the black women, so decides to write a book filled with testimonials from the maids, and after some reluctance, two women named Aibileen and Minny (Viola Davis and Olivia Spencer) agree to contribute.

The Help is a great movie. I could pretty much tell it would be from the trailers alone, seeing as I have a soft spot for historical dramas these days. Still, it could have disappointed me, and it did not. Every performance is outstanding. Davis and Spencer shine as the oppressed ladies trying to get their side of the story heard, and Dallas Howard absolutely drips with evil, she makes me want to punch her in the face even though she's a girl. There are some really deep moments throughout this movie, it hits quite hard, especially as you realise that not more than 50 years ago this kind of thing was common place. There are some great comedic and inspirational moments throughout too, so The Help is kind of a rollercoaster ride. There's a great story running through the movie concerning a chocolate pie, and a very touching side plot involving Minny's new employer after she falls out with Hilly.

I can't find much fault with The Help. It's easy to see why it got a best picture nod at the Oscars. Despite it being almost two and a half hours long I really got absorbed, and it held my interest to the end. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll want to punch evil girls in the face.

My rating: 5/5

Today's Review: Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 1

Hooray, it's that time again. All the old gang are back. We've got Bella, the pale emo girl who never smiles, Edward, the pale whiny vampire, and Jacob, the surprisingly bronzed guy who turns into a wolf when he gets pissed off. Bella and Edward become happily married in Breaking Dawn, ushering in a whole new life of being happy and carefree togeth... Oh wait, Bella gets knocked up with a vampire baby that starts to kill her from the inside.

Not much more to say about the plot, because that's it. I don't see why they split this final book into two movies. Oh wait, yes I do, it's so they can drag out the franchise and get twice as much money. But still, Breaking Dawn Part 1 is quite an uneventful movie. Sure, there are the suspenseful scenes near the end, and it does get quite interesting then, but the first half is taken up by slow motion airy romantic scenes that didn't really get me anywhere near emotional because Bella NEVER smiles. She just seems to drift along accepting whatever happens to her.

I guess that's part of Bella's character, but I can't be too sure. I think I've seen Kristen Stewart exhibit emotion in other movies, but her portrayal of Bella is so dull I'm beginning to wonder if the character is just emotionally mentally damaged. The other performances are a little better, but Robert Pattinson just does his broody pale guy thing scowling in the corner, while Taylor Lautner just sneers a lot while showing off his pecs.

Perhaps I'm being too harsh, but this is definitely my second least favourite movie in the franchise. New Moon was the worst purely because half of it was just Bella crying. They did do somethings quite well in Breaking Dawn Part 1. When Bella starts to deteriorate due to vampire baby, whoever was in charge of her make-up and digital body work did a damn good job, she looks like a near-dead drug addict. In fact, all the effects are pretty nice, and the movie does look pretty damn good in some places. It's just a shame that the story and cast are so slow and bland. Oh well, one more movie and it's all over.

My rating: 2/5

Today's Review: 50/50

Is cancer funny? Pretty much no. Can it be portrayed in a semi-heartwarming and humorous way? Sure, there are plenty of dramatic comedies dealing with disease and death where people accept their fates and begin making wisecracks.

50/50 stars Joseph Gordon-Levitt as Adam, a guy who finds out he has a rare form of spinal cancer and has a 50% chance of survival. Understandably he's not too happy with that, but with his best friend Kyle (Seth Rogen) in tow he starts to undergo his treatment, forming new relationships, severing others, and strengthening old ones along the way.

I'd heard good things about this movie. I was expecting it to be quite groundbreaking in that it actually sounded like I was going to laugh my ass off at a movie about cancer. That wasn't quite the case, which may be a good thing, because I might have looked like a monster. 50/50 is one of those dramatic comedies that mostly focuses on the disease itself, the things it can do to relationships, and quirky observances that happen along the way. There's not too much of the vulgar, witty humour that I'm used to seeing coming out of Seth Rogen's mouth, it's all quite a calm and understated affair.

I think that's where the main problem lies. 50/50 is quite a slow paced movie. Sure, things happen, and treatment for cancer can be a drawn out process, but I did find myself losing interest at several points throughout. Thankfully Joseph Gordon-Levitt is as excellent as he always is, and he managed to keep me engaged long enough to finish it. There are strong performances from the rest of the cast too, but the slow plot doesn't help them really exhibit their best characteristics. 50/50 is certainly not a bad movie, but I think I was just expecting too much from it. It's still a heartwarming, realistic drama, but the comedy element that has been much touted really isn't all that present.

My rating: 3/5