Saturday 26 February 2011

Today's Review: My Wallet

Working in Blockbuster, I see many people's wallets, and their consistent effort to find their membership cards that are buried within. When I see these people struggle through their multitude of unnecessary cards that are wedged uncomfortably into the dividing pockets, I chuckle to myself and pity their existence. For in my pocket, I know I have a better wallet than they'll ever have. My wallet is at the pinnacle of human engineering and organisation skills. If my wallet were a work of art, it would be a modern piece, as a picture of a wallet probably wouldn't be too popular in the 18th century.

Here is my wallet in its most dormant state. "Wait a minute..." I hear you say, and yes indeed, you are right. My wallet looks like a NES controller. Just wait 'til I open it up:

BAM! Mind: Blown. Underwear: Soiled. In a good way. With pleasure mess. Sometimes I just like to stand there and pretend like i'm playing this baby like it's a real controller. The looks on people's faces could be construed as concern for my mental health, but I know it is clearly jealousy. But it's not over yet. Not only does my wallet look amazing, the guts hold infinite pleasures.

Look at my wallet. LOOK AT IT! I could tell you without a shadow of a doubt where everything in my wallet is. Everything is sorted according to category and frequency of use. At the top left, you will see what I like to call the "see through flap bit". It is the first point of contact upon opening the wallet, the topside of which has 3 more pockets reserved for my Oyster card and any travel based tickets I am using on that particular day. After they are invalid they are cast into the inside left pocket until the time comes to add it to my entirely useless collection of train tickets. The underside holds a picture of me and my family, to distract people with the image of my children and devolve them into cooing simpletons. One day, when I learn to drive, I may place my licence into this see through pane, but only so any time i'm pulled over the conversation will go like this:

Me: Good day Officer.
Officer: Do you have any idea why I stopped you?
Me: Why, I haven't the foggiest.
Officer: You just drove into a shop window, and while reversing out you knocked down and mortally wounded an elderly person. Also you are swigging Jack Daniels and lighting up a doobie.
Me: Oh, that is a shame. Here is my licence and registration.
Officer: Thank y... Are they your kids?
Me: Yup, two little angels.
Officer: Oh my, they're soooo cute. But they can be little terrors can't they?
Me: Oh, tell me about it. But what can I say? I love 'em.
Officer: My heart is so full of joy that I forgot why i'm standing here. Have a safe ride home.
Me: Thank you Officer.

Underneath the flap is where the real treasure lies. In the most used slot we have my debit card and Tesco Clubcard. I at first went to take a picture of the entire debit card, before I realised that a) most of my card details would then be online, and b) i'm not a moron. Using only one hand I can take the wallet from my pocket, open it, lift the flap and slide my debit card out with my thumb, an act that instantly increases the awesome rating of any transaction by 300% (citation needed). In the next slot I store my credit card, for those times when I want something but can't afford it within my means, and my CeX card, which I use to trade electronic items for other electronic items. My passion for electronic items ranks this card highly in the realm of my wallet.

The other side of the wallet is somewhat bare. In the top slot I have a coule of library cards, rarely used because reading is for nerds, or rather a different class of nerd than myself. The next slot, however, holds a cornucopia of loyalty card delights. There's one for every occasion, if that occasion happens to be coffee or chicken based. Yes, I have two Nando's cards. I found one on the floor once with two stamps on. I get a free 1/4 chicken next time. That's how I roll. 

But wait, it's not over yet:

Here's where the notes go. I don't have any at the moment, because cash is archaic in this electronic age. But even when no notes are present, the main pocket of the wallet shines with the radiance of Super Mario coins. That's right, my wallet somehow got more cool. This pocket is also home to my 16-25 railcard, contained in its own plastic wallet the does not fit in any other place in the host wallet. At times I rue its existence, but I recognise its necessity, and it has learned to accommodate its space with minimal disruption.

My wallet contains no unnecessary cards, and is perfectly arranged for every time at which it is needed. Unworthy items may linger a certain points, but they are swiftly disposed of in order to streamline this magnificent feat of organisation. So next time you're digging through old receipts and business cards for that place you went to once that was kind of cool, just think "how can I make this wallet more awesome, like that one I saw on that blog one time?" If everyone had a more organised wallet, the world would be a better place.

My rating: 5/5

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