I think I actually went to see Big Momma's House at the cinema. I was 13 and naïve, but even so I still remember it being a terrible movie. So imagine my shock when a sequel arrived. I didn't watch that one. But earlier this week a third instalment was delivered. Since I now get to watch movies for free, I decided to subject myself to the torture. The things I do for review material.
So here we have Big Mommas: Like Father Like Son, because apparently the material for Big Momma doing things in a house has all dried up. Martin Lawrence returns to reprise his role as the titular character. Get it? 'Cause he dresses up as a woman with big tits. That's the best the humour is gonna get folks, live with it. Anyway, apparently Lawrence's character had a wife in the last movie, but she's not in this one, because she didn't want to star in a piece of shit. So that's cool.
Lawrence plays Malcolm Turner, an FBI agent who we promptly see abusing his powers at the beginning of the movie to chase down a postman for his mail. Turns out he was after a decision letter from the colleges his stepson Trent (Brandon T. Jackson) applied for. Because the envelope is thick, he assumes he got in, which is apparently good enough for everyone because the envelope is never actually opened. Trouble is, Trent isn't at home to open it. So Turner promptly abuses his powers yet again to track him down via his phone.
But to Turner's horror, Trent doesn't want to go to college, he wants to be a famous rapper, as evidenced by the three minute song that we see him perform. Predictably, Turner doesn't like that idea, and refuses to sign the contract to let his stepson go off and rap. So Trent has the bright idea of ambushing Turner while he's on an undercover operation. Good going.
Anyway, the operation doesn't go according to plan, because the inexplicably Russian bad guy spots the massive microphone strapped to the informant's chest, who is then duly murdered in front of Trent. Uh oh, shit's gonna hit the fan. But don't worry, Turner has a plan. You see, the evidence they need to convict the guy is hidden in an all girl's school for some reason, and Trent needs protection. Therefore the solution is not to conduct a quick search of the school approved by the FBI and quickly bring down this guy, but for Turner and Trent to dress up as women and stay there for a few days until they find it.
It's at this point I'm pretty certain that Turner doesn't work for the FBI anymore. He just seems to float around looking for reasons to dress up as a fat lady and infiltrate places, and now he's getting his son into it. Anyway, they quickly work their way into school, with Trent as a pupil and Turner as a house mother. The girl already present aren't too impressed with this intrusion, not because these people clearly look and sound like men in drag, but because they're all bitches for some reason. But things quickly warm up as everyone gets to be friends.
I was trying to make notes as I went along that highlights everything wrong with this movie, but I quickly realised that this would result in a critical essay of over 9,000 words. So let me summarise, this movie is absolutely awful. Seriously, really awful. I'm not sure I could pinpoint a single joke throughout. Sure, there's a point where Big Momma breaks a table, and is introduced as Big Momma with a reply that basically states "She certainly is big". There's also a janitor who is really attracted to guys dressed in fat drag, but since this movie is a PG it doesn't really go anywhere.
The actual main plot of the movie is probably condensed into about 20 minutes of run time. The rest is spent watching our two heroes plod around accidentally using their low voice for a split second, talking to girls and bursting into random musical numbers. Yes, random musical numbers. This school is a performing arts school, did I not mention? So we have Trent rapping for no good reason, and a scene where all the girls do their hair while dancing to Tik Tok. It's like Big Mommas doesn't know if it wants to be a comedy or a High School Musical style movie, and it completely fails to be, well, even a movie.
I won't comment on the pacing, or the capability of the actors, because in all honesty it's a complete fucking mess. It angers me that this movie was made, I'm angry at myself for actually watching it to the end. Don't watch this movie. Please don't watch it.