Today’s Review: Popping Pork

Now for the latest episode of “Things Nobody Asked For”, featuring Popping Pork! I found this suspicious package alone on a clip strip at Poundland, and upon scanning it wasn’t even a pound, it’s was like 45p. Very odd, but then again everything about this is odd. I wouldn’t have thought bacon flavoured popping candy would be at the top of anyone’s list, but I guess e do live in an age where all manner of bacon related product exist, so I figured I’d try this one out for you guys.

Surprisingly, it’s not bad. The smell upon opening the pack is very much like a bag of bacon crisps, and the flavour is pretty much the same too. A definite meaty taste, with a bit of sweetness thrown in from the candy itself. I wouldn’t say it’s particularly nice, but it does do what it says on the packet. This is popping candy that tastes like bacon, and it has a satisfying pop to it as well. Unfortunately, the after taste isn’t too great, but it’s all still better than I thought it would be. An interesting bacon themed product.

My rating: 3/5

Today's Review: Mikado Corn On The Cob

Hey guys, do you like corn on the cob? Of course you do. But who wants to go to all that trouble of cooking it, right? Well, it turns out you can get your corn on the cob pre-cooked and vacuum sealed in plastic, all for the low low price of 89p, thank you Home Bargains!

Of course, cooking corn on the cob is one of the simplest things you can do, and buying the stuff fresh isn't much more money than this sad looking packet. So why is this a thing? Well, the packaging states that they can be a "quick and easy meal solution", but if an ambient temperature corn on the cob is your idea of a hearty meal then I feel sorry for you. You can heat these up, there are instructions included, but doesn't that then negate the point of having it pre-cooked in the first place? 

Well, enough about why it exists, let's move onto the taste, which is terrible. Ever so slightly salty, ever so slightly sweet, but otherwise devoid of flavour and disappointingly watery. I pity the lovely corn who grew so promisingly in the fields, only to be snatched up in their prime and reduced to this.

My rating: 1/5

Today's Review: Hunger Breaks Mixed Grill In A Can

You may know that occasionally I'll hunt down the most abhorrent looking food I can find during a shop. Why do I do this to myself? Well, partly because it's nice to be able to warn you in case you were ever thinking of picking up such delights as this mixed grill in a can, and partly because it's nice to write about something that isn't "really good" or "pretty good". Sometimes it's just nice to tear something apart, because, let's face it, no one, not even those who made it, thought that this was a good idea.

Just look at it! What even is that? Well, let me enlighten you. While the can clearly lies about it being a "delicious mix", it does assure me that the stuff on that plate is a combination of beans, diced potatoes, sausage, chicken nuggets and lamb chop. Yes, a lamb chop in a can, what a time to be alive. To be fair, the beans are alright, passable as far as beans go. The potatoes are just mushy and have a weird taste, and so does the meat to be honest. The chicken nuggets don't change in colour or consistency throughout, and taste how I imagine those meaty chunks in dog food taste. The sausage just sort of squidged apart in my mouth, it's hard to tell whether it's processed meat or water with a little bit of fat mixed in. The lamb chop was the most interesting, I was wondering how they got one into a can, but then I realised they did it by not making it resemble a lamb chop in any way. Dubious meat in a chicken dipper shape, with a vague yet horrifying hint of lamb-like flavour. 

You may have gathered just from the title, but don't buy this. If you ever find yourself considering picking up a mixed grill in a can, I'm not sure anything can save you. This just provides solid evidence for the fact that if you're putting your meat in a tin, you're doing it wrong.

My rating: 1/5

Today's Review: B&M American Style Hot Dog Kit

B&M has a fair amount of questionable food items lining its shelves (I have a particular tinned treat I'm trying to hold off experiencing). I thought I was out of the woods after the first couple of rows and yet, on the other side of the store from the food aisles I found that the fun wasn't over. Sitting amongst the Christmas decorations was a stand in the middle of the floor, boasting these hot dog kits. Now, I'm normally used to seeing hot dogs in the refrigerated sections, or packed into dubious cans elsewhere. But never before have I seen them in blister packs alongside buns and sachets of sauce. I guess this is one for all you budding survivalists to put in your bunker, as long as the apocalypse is going to happen in the next few months anyway. The instructions are simple. Snip the end off the hot dog packet, blitz them for 15 seconds, stick them in the buns and microwave for a further 30. There's no more convenient way to get your hot dog fix, but is it worth it?

Here they are in all their glory(?) Notice that weathered look on the buns, like the dry, chapped and dusty hands of a manual labourer. I'm imagining they don't taste dissimilar either. The buns were so dry that one of them snapped as I attempted to put the hot dog in it. Once they were blitzed I suppose they weren't awful, but by no means is this nice bread. The hot dogs aren't great either, but at least they're not slop. There's some semblance of meat in there, and overall I'd say these are simply barely passable hot dogs, rather than the gastronomical punishment I was expecting. They're helped along by the nice little Heinz sachets too, to cover up the disappointment of what lies beneath. So if you're desperate for a hot dog and this is the only option, its not going to kill you. But it's not enjoyable either.

My rating: 2/5

Today's Review: Plumrose Bacon Grill Bacon Roll

I'm not one to frequent the tinned meat aisle, because the term "tinned meat" makes me feel slightly dead inside. But I gazing upon the canned goods in B&M, I figured I'd search for the most horrible looking offering and plunge into it head first. Not that I could do that, because my head wouldn't fit in the tin. So here we have some bacon grill, or is it bacon roll? The pictures show it in a roll, so is it a bacon grill designed to help you emulate a bacon roll? The answer to these mysteries obviously lay within.

Ah, the answer is it's a non-descript block of "meat" that doesn't seem fit for anything. I know I wasn't expecting anything from this, but I still ended up disappointed. As you may have surmised, this doesn't taste like bacon. In fact, it doesn't taste like much at all, there's a faint hint of something Spam-like, but really it's just a block of chewy, slightly meaty stuff. I expected to be disgusted by the flavour, but this is just especially bland. So if you're after a flavourless, processed lump of foodstuff, by all means hunt this down. I won't be cracking open another can of meat for a while though.

My rating: 0/5

Today's Review: Burger Toast

Yeah, that's right, Burger Toast. Have you never had a nice big helping of Burger Toast before? I found this delightful sounding product nestled amongst the Fray & Bentos pies and Spam, in the "foods that will outlast you in the apocalypse" section. Now, despite the title, this doesn't contain any toast, you have to supply that yourself. No, this is a "delicious" topping for toast that will apparently make it taste just like a burger, because that's a thing I've been missing in my life. Of course, this comes in a can, so let's open up that bad boy and see what's inside.

Mmm, that looks amazing. Well, it probably would if I were a dog. It looks like dog food, it smells like dog food, I dipped my finger in for a little sample, and hell, it tastes like dog food too. At least, what I assume dog food to taste like, I can't say I've eaten dog food before. It's a meaty paste that somehow fails to taste like any meat I've ever eaten. But hey, this isn't meant to be eaten straight from the can, it's meant to be spread on toast, so maybe that would redeem it. It's not just the toast you need either, the directions on the can say you spread it on toast, pop some cheese on top and then grill it. I assumed double cooking it would at least kill some of the evil residing within, so I gave it a shot. The can called for a processed cheese slice (of course), but I only had some Cathedral City, so I put some thin slices on top and stuck it in the grill.

There we have it, indistinguishable from a cheeseburger to the eyes, but what about the taste? Thankfully, the cheddar had actual flavour, so it pretty much tasted like cheese on toast, but with something evil lurking beneath the surface. There was a hint of meatiness, although "meat" may be pushing it. I'll tell you now, it didn't taste like a burger, and despite not really tasting the stuff during consumption, I was left with a subtle, foul, paste-like aftertaste for a while. I don't know what would possess someone to buy this. I did it so I can pass on my wisdom to you guys. Just in case you're thinking of buying Burger Toast, don't. You'll probably want to pass on the Pizza Toast as well, but if you've tried it and it actually resembles food, please let me know.

My rating: 0/5