Today's Review: Colombiana

I do like a good movie featuring a trained assassin. Whether or not Colombiana is a good movie featuring a trained assassin, that is up for debate.

Zoe Saldana plays Cataleya, the daughter of a man working for the drug lord Don Luis. After betraying the boss by taking vital information, Cataleya's parents are slain in front of her, but she manages to escape from the thugs and gain entry to the United States with the information her father has given her. Seeking refuge with her uncle Emilio (Cliff Curtis), there is only one thing on her mind, training to be a killer so she can seek revenge on Don Luis for her parents' death.

Of course, the focus of the movie is on Zoe Saldana, as you can probably guess from the poster featuring only her, but the girl who plays Cataleya as a child is worth a mention too. Both are pretty good in their roles, eluding the bad guys either through emotional trickery or general badassery. As Cataleya makes her way through her victims, we come to see the full extent of her training, with a particularly well planned assassination near the beginning of the movie. Apparently her uncle trained her, though he doesn't seem the type to slip into a black catsuit and swing around all over the place.

I put this movie on with the intention of doing other stuff while watching it, but Colombiana did a pretty good job of dragging me in and making me pay attention. The scenes are well structured, with just enough character development slotted in between all the killings. The only problem is that our heroine seems to fizzle out somewhat. We start off with a meticulously planned break-in and murder, but as she progresses she just seems to throw all plans out of the window and opt to just run in with guns blazing. Maybe it's just to match her fiery passion and thirst for vengeance, but it just seemed a bit off, especially in the final scenes of the film, which left much less of an emotional impact than they could have done.

Still, Colombiana is a good movie. It's not quite up to Hanna standards in the trained assassin genre, but it certainly held my attention.

My rating: 4/5

Today's Review: Arena

Look at that cover. Isn't it awesome? It's got Samuel L. Jackson, a sweaty, bruised muscular man, swords, fire and some fighting guys. This cover perfectly sums up Arena. Well, apart from the copious amounts of boobies, but you can't put that on a DVD cover.

Arena tells the story of David Lord, a man in mourning after his pregnant wife is killed. While drowning his sorrows in a bar he is kidnapped and taken to a secret location, where prisoners are forced to fight to the death for an internet show called The Deathgames. After being thrust into his first fight, David is offered the chance to be set free, if he can survive for ten fights.

Samuel L. Jackson plays the head honcho behind the show, turning in a pretty lacklustre performance compared to others he's done. Not that it particularly drags the movie down, because Kellan Lutz is just as awful, as are the supporting ladies. Not that they particularly act, Lutz just gets naked, works out and punches people, and the women show their boobs.

The story is pretty much as complex as I described above. There's a lacklustre twist at the end, but for the majority it's just people punching and slashing at each other. It's a typical guy movie, so if you're looking for full on action, gore and titties, this is one for you, because it does all those things quite well. If you like your movies to have some substance, you might wanna give it a miss. Still, I liked the Office Space reference near the beginning.

My rating: 2/5

Today's Review: The Change-Up

Hey, it's one of those crazy body swap comedies that were all the rage back in the day. This time it's about a father of three swapping over with a guy who sleeps with copious amounts of women but is a loser.

Apparently they used to be school buddies, which is a bit hard to believe since Jason Bateman is seven years older than Ryan Reynolds, but hey, we'll let that slide. I can even forgive that the magic body swapping is initiated by pissing into a magic fountain. But The Change-Up had a bit of a bad start by starting to portray what being a tired father is like, then having a baby shit in Bateman's mouth. Also there's some kind of special effects baby that is repeatedly hitting his head on the crib. So yes, I started watching this movie thinking it was going to be really stupid, but thankfully it redeemed itself a little.

I can't help but feel the plot is a little one sided though. We have the slacker in the working dad's body, through which he learns the meaning of family and relationships, and the value of hard work. On the other hand we have the working dad inside the slacker's body, where he discovers the wonder of being able to masturbate in private and hang around places not doing an awful lot. But hey, there's some character progression at least, although not having that in a body swap movie would be pretty much inexcusable.

The jokes are quite crude, as in your regular teen movie, with F bombs and boobies thrown in for good measure. I feel this movie tries a bit too hard sometimes, throwing in swear words in an attempt to make a not very funny situation funnier, but in the end it didn't really make me laugh out loud at any point. I was entertained enough to watch until the end, and actually care about what happened to the characters.

Perhaps the best thing is the way in which Reynolds and Bateman act. In their own bodies, they're pretty much playing their typical characters. But when the bodies swap over, Reynolds has to pull off the uppity Bateman vibe and Bateman has to be a slobby Reynolds type, and they both do a pretty good job. The rest of the cast aren't anything to write home about though.

The Change-Up is your basic body swap movie, but with some titties and swear words thrown in so men will like it. It starts out ridiculous and ends a little more serious, so it's worth sticking with it to the end. Entertaining, but not great.

My rating: 3/5

Today's Review: Pound On My Muffin By Shira

There's a new music prodigy on the scene, her name is Shira, and she has released the video to her song, "Pound On My Muffin". It really is amazing stuff, have a listen/watch:

A masterpiece, I'm sure you'll agree. Kudos to director Cornelius3, who clearly wasn't awesome enough in his first cloned incarnations, but possessed a fine directing talent in his third malformed body. Speaking of malformed bodies, I'm sure that either Shira has one, or doesn't quite know what a muffin is, she seems to be pointing towards the badonkadonk region whenever she gestures, but everyone knows a muffin is a vagina. Silly girl.

Anyways, the song is sung by a girl lamenting that boys don't want to give her nothin', 'cause they just want to pound on her muffin. The video is so cleverly done in the way that it provides us with a double entendre. Does Shira mean that guys just want to stick their bits inside her corresponding lady bits, or does she mean they want to drum rhythmically on her baked goods (which in the video are cupcakes)? That's how you get past the censors, people.

I'm trying to decipher what these lyrics are to ascertain the meaning of the song, but it's pretty hard due to the fact that my ears are bleeding. From what I can make out, Shira seems to want something from men who want to pound her muffin, but only gets mad when after the act of love making, the men don't leave something behind. One guy gave her loads of drugs before he used her body, so that's cool, but only if he keeps on providing her with free drugs afterwards.

We have a contribution from a loveable scamp called Asco, who mentions that Shira doesn't play him because he's always paying her, so from this we can conclude that this lady doesn't just let people pound on her muffin, she requires payment in cash or drugs. What a great role model. Things do get a bit confusing if you're watching though, because the assistants in Shira's bakery wear aprons that say "Pound on my muffin", which we know is the name of the song, but it could be misconstrued as an invitation by the patrons. Also, they seem to have not had enough footage when they cobbled together the video, because they inserted some clips of a guy sleeping:

Or maybe he just died from the whole ear bleeding thing. I know that feel, bro.

My rating: 0/5

Today's Review: Eating A Load Of Junk Before Starting A Diet

One of my "resolutions" as it were is to lose me some weight. Trouble is we had a whole lot of food that is not conducive to that goal. So the past few days has been a veritable eatathon. 2 litre bottles of Coke, chocolate oranges, Cheetos, more chocolate, biscuits, yet more chocolate. For the past few nights I have eaten until I've felt slightly sick.

While eating a bunch of crappy food can feel good, it's not something I'd make a habit of. In this situation it might be a good thing, as I almost don't want to look at chocolate again. The healthy eating can commence, and maybe I can get some exercise thrown into the mix. I'll probably need to, since eating a whole load of chocolate has probably drastically increased the amount of weight I need to lose.

If you're planning on starting a diet, but have remnants of naughty food lying around, do yourself a favour. Throw it away, or better yet, give it away, because binge eating is not the best thing to do before you start on extra healthy diets.

My rating: 2/5

Today's Review: Trix Swirls

I've skimmed over these in a previous review that I wrote when I was in Oman, but my brother went over there for Christmas and asked if he wanted me to bring any food back. So of course, I asked for Cheetos and Trix, because I love to experience the flavours of Middle Eastern Culture. I ate some this morning, and don't fancy pouring out another bowl for a picture, so here's one I found on the internet (don't sue me):

Trix Swirls are pretty much like regular Trix, but there are two flavours in each piece. That may sound different, but in Trix terms, "flavours" means "varying chemicals and sugars". The cereal tastes like something, but it definitely does not bring to mind the fruits written on the box. I'm not saying they taste bad, they actually taste pretty damn good. It's the sugary, colourful cereal that all kids dream of, and which have been altogether banned in the UK. But in America it's still fun and games, they have Trix, they have Lucky Charms, and they proudly state on the box that they contain artificial colours and flavours.

You may call me a silly rabbit, and tell me Trix are for kids. But I am a kid at heart, a kid whose government were after me Lucky Charms, and they got them. So when I pour myself a big ass bowl of Trix, I am giving this country the finger. You can take my cereals, but you can never take my ability to buy them imported at an inflated price or bring some back from different countries.

My rating: 4/5

Today's Review: New Year

We're now living in 2012. Oooh, it's like the future, man. What will happen this year? Will humanity start to dig itself out of the hole it's in, or will we merely perish in some as yet unknown (publically) enormous disaster? Whether the world is ending this year or not, last night was New Year's Eve, the night after which many promise to become better people, even if there isn't a widely publicised threat on their lives. New year's resolutions are a staple of our culture, our chance to get a fresh start, start doing things we never did, or give up things that we shouldn't be doing. I can be a cynic at times, so obviously I have wondered what the big deal with it all is. Sure, it's a new year, I get the symbolism, but why is this the point at which we decide to change? Why can't we do that on a whim, at the dawn of any other day?

I guess there is some reasoning behind this mass creation of resolution, and that is the complete mess the night before can become. Nowadays it is a prerequisite that on New Year's Eve you drink yourself silly, and for some people, getting drunk invariably makes them assholes, and for the rest it can mean a killer hangover. In the past few years I have heard numerous stories of bad events on New Year's Eve. People falling in rivers, people getting into arguments, people beating the crap out of each other. I'm not normally one to go out on the town, but I know for sure that even if I did start going out regularly, I would stay the hell away from a crowded bar on New Year's Eve. Last night I spent a quiet day with my fiancée and kids, and then spent an evening with a couple of people over, eating snacks and playing board games. It was fun, I didn't drink, and I didn't particularly wake up this morning with a desire to change myself for the better. Meanwhile there were probably millions waking up swearing they'd never drink again.

I'm not saying I'm a better person for avoiding all the drama. I'm happy with what I have, but some people are indeed happy getting drunk and squeezing into a bar with several other people. I've always been quite a quiet person, and I understand that more outgoing people want to get out there and live it up. People like to have excuses to celebrate, and landmark dates to set goals for themselves. I must admit, even though I don't normally indulge in making resolutions, this year I've decided to start this year with a couple of changes. I suppose it is nice to have a landmark day on which everyone starts trying to be a better person, but it's a shame that New Year's Day can be preceded by drunken misery. Maybe it's just the stories I've heard that have put me off. Many can have a wonderful time. For me though, it has soured the experience somewhat. But hey, it's New Year's Day, so let's all promise to be better, okay? Could be our last year alive, you wouldn't want to die with everyone thinking you're an asshole, right?

My rating: 3/5