Today's Review: Star Trek: Into Darkness

I don't know how they can call it "In Darkness" with all that lens flare. Har har.

Anyways, the sequel to the 2009 reboot-but-not-quite-a-reboot has arrived. This time the crew of the Enterprise face off against a threat much closer to Earth, in the form of legendary Star Trek villain Khan. With a one man war waged against the entirety of Starfleet, it's up to Kirk and his crew to track him down and stop him, even if it means infiltrating some volatile areas of space...

Everyone's back in this movie. Chris Pine, Zachary Quinto, Simon Pegg, and all are on fine form. Since everyone has settled into their characters, the quite serious tone throughout let's everyone put on their best dramatic chops. There is much less comic relief this time around, and even when it's there it's subdued. Even Simon Pegg manages to pull off some great dramatic moments.

The star of the show is definitely Benedict Cumberbatch as Khan. He manages to be menacing, charismatic, devious, all at the same time. Khan is definitely a powerhouse of a villain, boasting superior intellect and magnificent strength. Despite this, he did weaken a bit in my eyes at about the halfway point, due to the many twists and turns that get thrown around in the plot. It gets a little bundled and confusing, but definitely pulls together for a magnificent final showdown.

J.J. Abrams has clearly settled Ito his director's chair after the success of the first movie. All the scenes are wonderfully shot, from full scale battles to more intimate moments, and no matter how much lens flare is thrown around, it's clear he put a lot of effort into making Into Darkness entertaining for new and old fans alike, keeping up the consistency of his new universe while making very nice references and reflections of the original Wrath Of Khan.

Star Trek: Into Darkness is a fantastic sequel. It's full of great action set pieces, a great cast and an entirely menacing villain. I may have had misgivings around the middle, but it seems they were entirely unfounded, and having seen the entirety I really don't have a bad thing to say about it. I'm looking forward to a continuation of the franchise, and am starting to get quite excited about how Abrams will handle Star Wars.

My rating: 5/5

Today's Review: Dripping Taps

It normally happens when I am at my laziest. When I have finished doing some housework, or preparing a meal. Having settled down on the sofa, intent on relaxing, it begins. Slow and soft at first, drip... drip... drip. But after a while it speeds up. Tiny droplets of water building on the edge of the tap, before gaining enough mass to fall into the sink below. A single occurrence, perhaps a noise ignored. But when it is constant, and increasing in frequency, it becomes maddening.

I mean, I just sat down. I have to weigh up the benefits of getting up to switch the tap off, or staying where I am, and the tap wins every time. It may be the annoying repetitiveness of the sound, it may be the fact that water is being wasted lies heavily on my soul. If it's the hot tap the same goes for my heating bill. But once that tap starts dripping, my body lets out an involuntary sigh, and prepares for the inevitable trip to stop it. My thoughts and actions dominated by a leaky hunk of metal. Dripping taps suck.

My rating: 0/5

Today's Review: The Aquafresh Pump Tube

For a few years now I have been suffering with my toothpaste tubes. The caps get dirty, and the paste coagulates, or I end up having to roll the whole tube up just to coax the errant splodges of minty goodness onto my toothbrush, 'cause I'm economic like that. But last week we bought a tube of Aquafresh, and my word is it so much better.

This isn't my first run in with marvel of engineering. Growing up we always seemed to have a tube of this stuff lying around. But living away from my parents I guess I got sloppy, and my choice of toothpaste tube reflected that. But no more. Here is a tube that forces the paste out at the push of a button, raising the base, and always managing to deliver a sliver of toothpaste that contains all three signature colours. tHe cap doesn't get dirty, no toothpaste gets wasted or left behind, even my kids can use this thing. I'm guessing Aquafresh patented this thing, because all the other toothpaste companies are still stuck in the dark ages, which is a damn shame. We should be living through a brushing revolution, with our flawless toothpaste tubes held high.

My rating: 5/5

Today's Review: Cadbury's Marvellous Creations: Cookie Nut Crunch

Well, after being disappointed by the jelly popping candy bar, I had to go and try this one. Cookie Nut Crunch is the other entry into the Marvellous Creations flavours. This bar comes packed with cookie pieces and caramelised almonds and hazelnuts. Sure, it's not too quirky or outrageous a filling, but at least the flavours actually complement each other instead of leaving you with a chewy, fruity flavour soaked with chocolate residue. The creaminess of the chocolate and the crunchiness of the fillings work very well together, and the nuts are just sweet enough to blend in nicely with the cookies. I must say I enjoyed this a lot more than the jelly popping candy. Hopefully there'll be some more additions to this line, as so far it's kinda hit and miss.

My rating: 5/5

Today's Review: Jack Reacher

In case that poster isn't clear, Tom Cruise plays Jack Reacher, a mysterious and highly trained former Army cop. When a sniper takes out several innocent people in a random attack, he calls for Jack Reacher by name, who appears out of nowhere and dives head first into the case. As Reacher investigates, he begins to see that things aren't all as they seem, and starts to get the attention of some dangerous people.

Jack Reacher is definitely not what I thought it would be. I was expecting an all out action movie, but in fact it's a slow and deliberate one. The opening scene has no speech at all, and is very well shot to set up the overall tone of the rest of the movie. It's a slow burning thriller with plenty of twists and turns, but it has a lead character that can take it all in his stride. When Jack Reacher enters the fray, it's clear right off the bat that he knows what he's doing, and his deductions and cool handling of dangerous situations establish him as a formidable opponent.

That's perhaps one of this movie's downfalls though. Reacher is so confident and able that most of the time there is a real lack of suspense, as I never believed he was in any real danger. Most of the time he just stands around figuring things out, but when he starts a fight he knows full well how it's going to turn out. Reacher is perhaps too perfect a hero. He is flawless, constantly calm and collected, has no real personal connection to the case, and his entire character seems to be built around how infallible he is.

Despite this, Tom Cruise still plays him quite excellently, oozing charisma at every turn. The rest of the performances are pretty forgettable, but this was clearly meant to be a one man show anyway. Jack Reacher is quite a subdued and deliberate thriller, with well shot scenes but not much characterisation. Overall it just seems too safe. The little action there is is over pretty quickly with no real consequence, and it just fails to give the narrative much of an impact. If you want to see Tom Cruise relentlessly kicking ass, then by all means give it a go, but otherwise I can't say I overly enjoyed it.

My rating: 3/5

Today's Review: Stubbing Your Toe

What with my new baby and all, I have spent an increased amount of time stumbling around in the dark in a tired stupor. Apparently that's not a good thing to do to your body, because it invariably results in you stubbing your toes on things. 

Feet are pretty durable most of the time. You can kick things around, they help you walk, and they can support your whole body weight. But if you manage to catch your little toe on something as you walk by the pain is often unbearable, if just for a short while. Curses fly, tantrums are had, but once that toe is stubbed the pain must be endured. 

But why must our toes hurt so much when jammed against objects? Toes are on the front line of your body. They scout the ground areas and allow the whole unit to move forward. But up against obstacles they're just giant pussies. Stubbing your toe is the worst. Well, being stabbed is probably worse.

My rating: 0/5

Today's Review: The Weetos Moustache Combat Game

While pouring my kids their cereal, and lamenting the unexplained disappearance of Professor Weeto, I noticed that instead the cereal wants me to play this fancy new "Moustache Combat" game on their website. I say noticed, but the box tells you to play on every single side but the bottom. But hell, I figured I'd give it a go, what's the worst that could happen, apart from losing an undetermined amount of time on a shitty flash game?

So here it is, Weetos Moustache Combat. The very premise of this game was somewhat baffling to me.
I have no idea what Weetos have to do with moustaches, now was there any explanation as to why these moustaches need to be dealt with in combat. I tried viewing the attached TV ad, but all that seems to tell me is I should be carrying around surplus portions of Weetos in random containers, so that I can eat them, without milk, at regular intervals, to give me the strength to fend off attacks from rogue disembodied moustaches. Man, school has gotten a lot tougher since I was a kid.

Anyway, onto the game. You play as that generic kid up there, and your goal is to kick and punch the shit out of moustaches, and somehow that will make you want to eat Weetos.

This picture just screams "nutritious breakfast"

It's basically Mortal Kombat for kids. Your standard fighting style game. A punches, S kicks, D blocks, and there are some rudimentary combos for you to pull off, but really you can just win by kicking all the time, because most of these moustaches are too small to be affected by your high punches. I say Mortal Kombat because during the final KO of each moustache the screen says "Finish Him", and prompts you to enter a string of arrows and letters. The result is a lacklustre flurry of punches and kicks, and you gain nothing from it, but I suppose it's a nice touch.

Here's the roster of hairy opponents. They start off pretty easy, even the Dhal Sim-esque Jean Pa'Pow didn't pose much of a threat. But by the time you get to the Chinese style Black Dragon 'tache things get a little tricky. The real challenge is the final opponent, Red. This moustache is a massive, lumbering bastard who will decimate you in seconds if you're not good at blocking and jumping around.

Even Nessie is impressed

It actually took me a good few tries to finally beat this guy, and it was mostly accomplished by jumping all the time and getting cheap kicks in where I could. Thankfully, if you land enough hits and survive for long enough, a Weeto materialises in the top left, and once it's complete you can press W to restore your health. A cheap mechanic, but at least they're being consistent with their nonsensical TV ad.

After spending a good quarter of an hour kicking the crap out of moustaches, I have to say it's not a bad little game. The visuals and music are quite nice, and it poses a little bit of a challenge. I just don't understand why this game exists. It does little to promote the tastiness of the cereal, which is a selling point in its own right. I guess I'm out of touch with the kids these days, and these marketing people know what they're doing. Or maybe I just long for Professor Weeto.

My rating: 3/5