The things I do for this blog. I thought i'd given up on crappy movies. But they're so much more fun to write about. So today, dear readers, I took the plunge. I took out Fred: The Movie. "The YouTube Phenomenon", the cover exclaims. It also says nothing else, probably because no one has ever said a good thing about this movie.
If they mean phenomenon in the sense that Fred is extraordinary, they'd be correct. It's extraordinary that this guy is popular at all, especially enough for his YouTube channel to be adapted into a movie. But for those of you who don't know Fred, here's the rundown. A guy made a YouTube account, pretended to be a 6 year old when he clearly isn't, and shouted in a chipmunk voice. Apparently that shit is hilarious, so his channel became the most subscribed on YouTube. Now it's only the fifth most, how sad. Anyhoo, Fred is obsessed with a girl names Judy, who obviously does not return said affection because a) they're only six and b) this guy is the most annoying person you could ever meet in your life. So Fred tries to go see her, embarrasses himself horribly, then screams very loudly about how embarrassed he is. Boom, millions of views and a chance to star in your own movie.
But what of the movie? Well, Fred is now 15, not six, but he's still obsessed with Judy, inexplicably played by Pixie Lott. Basically the whole movie plays out like a massively elongated version of one of the YouTube videos, and therein lies the problem. YouTube is all about short videos. There's actually a term on Urban Dictionary called "YouTube attention span" that states that while ten minutes is a short time in real life, a ten minute YouTube video is something we'll automatically shy away from watching. We like to watch our vlogs and sketches in two or three minute chunks, and even if they're incredibly annoying they're still manageable. But to take the most annoying YouTube video series of all time and make an 80 minute movie out of it is the worst idea ever, and sure enough it fails miserably.
The jokes aren't funny. Although it's hard to tell what's a joke and what's not, as no single thing can be discriminated from its original evaluation of "fucking annoying". Fred's voice is annoying, all the other characters are annoying, the fact that Fred always imagines himself singing with Judy because, guess what, Pixie Lott is a singer, is annoying.
It was a mission to get through this movie, really, it was. I can't even pick out singular things about it that were particularly awful, because the entire thing was uniformly horrible. I know I said something along the same lines in the last paragraph, but there are really no words. Just synonyms for "terrible".
Fred: The Movie is rated 12. According to the text next to the certificate, it's because it contains "situations that would be dangerous if copied". I'm sure they're referring to the part where Fred sticks a shovel into an electrical wire, gets shocked and says he feels amazing. But they could just be referring to the fact that if you walked down the street and acted like Fred you would be fatally stabbed within minutes. The sad fact is that rating this movie a 12 only serves to alienate its entire potential audience, which is most likely toddlers who like high pitched voices because they think it's hilarious to be annoying.
Don't watch this. Please. I watched it for you, just to let you know there is no redeeming quality in this movie to make it ever worth thinking about. It's not even "so bad it's good", it's just bad. Go and watch The Room with some friends if you want that kind of action, but if you ever come near a copy of Fred: The Movie, please just do everything in your power to destroy it.
My rating: 0. Contains material likely to even annoy a newborn.