Monday 21 February 2011

Today's Review: Oxygen

Everyone needs to breathe. Which is a shame, because cyborgs don't, and I feel that's a major weakness that they can exploit when attempting to take over Earth. Although they need electricity, so I think we've just about got the upper hand there. But wait, we also need to drink, eat, expel waste and not fall on spiky things to live. Crap, we're doomed.

Aaaanyway, oxygen is what we breathe, and we breathe it every day. There's no avoiding the stuff. But how much do we actually know about oxygen, what do we actually think of it? I feel like i've taken it too much for granted, so here's my two cents.

Here's a picture of oxygen I found on the internet. I tried to take a picture, but it's not very photogenic. Don't be fooled by its striking similarity to Iron Man's arc reactor, because it's actually not awesome at all. Plus someone just drew it that way. Look at that shit, how boring. Oxygen is mean to keep humans alive, and it looks like this? We can make pizzas that have burgers on top, we shouldn't settle for anything so simple. I'd expect at least 50 times as many electrons in the stuff that I breathe in. Besides its appearance, oxygen has an atomic number of 8. 8?! The periodic table goes up to 118 (hypothetically), and our very means of life support is stuck in single digits? Screw that. I want a big manly numbered element filling my lungs (n.b. my science may not be entirely accurate during this review)

Another thing that sucks about oxygen is that it's colourless and odourless. How lame. I want my life force to smell like strawberries. You can get pretty much anything else to nowadays. And maybe I want to be able to see my oxygen. I like to know what i'm putting in my body.

I've set about finding different options for my respiratory pleasure. Combining oxygen with hydrogen didn't work, my nose got all filled up with water and I choked a bit. Various forms of smoke seem like a viable option, everyone knows smoking is cool, but unfortunately it also kills people, so that's out. Helium also seems like a good alternative, but I think everyone would get sick of my squeaky voice after a while.

What it all boils down to is our bodies suck. The human race is an ever adapting species. We've gone through so many changes that if you introduced a modern day man to a caveman they wouldn't even be able to knock back a few beers and shoot the shit. One would be talking about this funky new animal skin he ripped off a corpse, and the other would be moaning about how someone didn't like their latest witty Facebook comment. Also the first guy would be speaking entirely in "Ug"s. But I digress. Our civilisation and bodies have undergone so many changes, but our lungs have flat out refused to accept any more awesome gases than oxygen. It's like having two stubborn 90 year old men lounging around in my ribcage. So, begrudgingly, I just have to accept that until we can fit ourselves with cybernetic lungs that thrive on high fives and the tears of our enemies, we're stuck with crappy old oxygen.

My rating: 

(That's 2/5, but my rating system was compiled of pictures that I took of oxygen)

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