Today's Review: The Colour Green

I never used to like the colour green. It seemed that out of all the colours in the world, green was the one that represented the highest number of disgusting things. there's snot, vomit, generic slime... Well, they're probably not all naturally green, but that's the colour you see them portrayed as on TV and the like. So I guess green has a bad rap in the media. 

But now I've grown up. My opinions have changed slightly. Green is probably still my least favourite colour, but my prejudices have faded. I have come to embrace darker greens in my clothing, apparently they can make me look quite dashing (not my words, probably not anyone else's either, I'm paraphrasing). I used to hate lighter greens the most, but now my kitchen has lime green all over it, and I have to admit that while it wasn't my choice, it doesn't look too shabby. You know what else is green? Old school aliens apparently, before they got all insectoid and gross, and although they'd probably try and kill us, aliens are badass. 

So if you really hate a colour, just give it a chance. Let it grow on you. You might be pleasantly surprised with which shades can change your mind. Sure, I still don't think too highly of green, what with snot, vomit, bile and the like. But green can also represent nice things, like grass and apples, and even though it is the colour of slime, that brings me back to the time when Dave Benson Phillips dumped it on people's heads, back when it was perfectly fine to do so. Those were the days.

My rating: 3/5

Today's Review: Fiery Irn Bru

I do enjoy a bit of Irn Bru on the odd occasion that I find some, same goes for Tizer, but I prefer Irn Bru. So to find out there was a limited edition was exciting, but to discover it was "fiery" made me apprehensive.

What makes it fiery? A "secret ingredient" apparently. I couldn't find out what it is, but I'll assume it's capsicum powder, because this drink is pretty spicy. It's like they took a can of Irn Bru, took out all the nice flavour and just replaced it with the hotness of a harsh ginger beer. I suppose you can make out a hint of the traditional Irn Bur in there, but soon after that your taste buds cry and all you can taste are flames.

I jest, somewhat. It's not too hot, but it's certainly enough to not make it a very enjoyable experience. Just stick with the original, fellas. 

My rating: 1/5

Today's Review: Monster X-Presso

Is it Monster? Is it coffee? Is it Monster coffee? Yes, it's Monster coffee. Not content with taking over the energy drink business, Monster have decided to produce this interestingly coloured can, which promises "coffee + energy", which I guess means twice the energy. I don't know. How much is an energy?

Yes, it's been done before, and the comparison was instantly made between this and the Starbucks Double Shot Espresso. It's the same drink basically. But this one is a lot smoother, milkier. None of the slightly bad aftertaste you get with Starbucks. It seems like Monster know what they're doing a lot of the time, and apart from that Rehab drink, I've enjoyed everything they've thrown at me. This is another hit.

My rating: 5/5

Today's Review: Eating Melon

I bought a melon today, haven't done that in a while. Sure, I've had the chunks that you get in fruit salads and the like, but not an actual whole melon. I like the idea of it though. A big old juicy melon, just ripe for the cutting and eating. So I set that bad boy down on the counter, cut myself a slice, and got ready to chow down.

Wait, how do I eat this again? Don't get me wrong, I'm not new to this. I did the whole criss-cross cuts with the knife business. But no matter how deep I dig that knife, no matter how efficiently I pluck that piece of melon out with my teeth, there's always some left over. Sure, I could sit there with a spoon and scoop it out, but I want to bury my face in it and claim victory over that fruit as nature intended. There's just no way to do it without getting juice all over my face.

It's that shape, man, that distinct melon shape that just doesn't gel well with our jawbones. But I guess it's a testament to the melon's tastiness that I want to dig right to the very bottom of the juicy flesh, it's so good I want to be covered in the juices. So yes, it's not too easy to eat a melon with just your face, it's quite messy, but it sure is satisfying.

My rating: 4/5 

Today's Review: Honey Shreddies

I don't have a bad word to say about Shreddies. I love the original variety, and then they went ahead and added chocolate, sugar, even orange chocolate, and every one of them has turned out great. Now here we have Honey Shreddies. I don't know how long they've been around, but this is the first time I've seen them. It's nice they add so much to reassure me of the flavour. Not only are they named "Honey Shreddies", the box is also honey coloured, and there's a honeycomb tucked into the top corner, as if to say "Yeah, that kind of honey, the stuff that comes from these".

So safe in the knowledge that I was not about beautiful lady Shreddies, I poured myself a big bowl of these bad boys. The verdict? Fantastic. A nice, sweet flavour that blends very nicely with the wheaty texture of the Shreddies. Not too overpowering, just right. If you like your Shreddies, you're gonna want to try these.

My rating: 5/5

Today's Review: Battleship

Hey, remember that time when you were playing Battleship with someone and the entire enemy fleet, that you previously thought matched yours in every way, actually turned out to be a few alien spaceships? Me neither, but apparently we've been playing the wrong board game, because this movie is based on some seldom played kickass alien version of Battleship. Why they licensed a board game before making a movie with only a passing reference to it is beyond me. But hey, Hasbro have probably maxed out sales of Transformers and My Little Pony, so they need to start selling some other stuff I guess.

So here we have Battleship, the most self-gratifying American movie I have ever seen, even more so than Transformers. Taylor Kitsch stars as Alex Hooper, a complete jackass who gets up to all kinds of shenanigans. After the movie spends an inordinate amount of time chronicling Alex's attempts to break into a mini mart to steal a burrito for a woman, we flash forward to seven years later, where he has successfully risen through the ranks of the US Navy. Yes, even the dumbest Americans are better than you. While on a routine naval exercise off the coast of Hawaii, some strange alien craft crash land in the ocean, and it is eventually up to Alex Hooper to kick their asses, because America. You see, the aliens are there because scientists have been sending off signals to other planets, and clearly scientists are wrong, because these aliens become hostile after the Navy shoots at them. Stupid scientists. Also, there's a subplot where Alex's girlfriend is accompanying a Navy amputee on a hike in the midst of the alien attack, and it's up to him to kick ass and get the scientist to clear things up so the Navy can step in and solve everything by blowing shit up. Because even an American in the Navy with no legs is more badass than some scientist.

This movie is pretty much everything you'd expect. Explosions, one liners, more explosions, sweeping patriotic music, different coloured explosions, lens flare, and also some explosions. Sure, it looks nice, but there's nothing spectacular here. Plus Rihanna's in it. I'm not even sure what to say about that. Still, if you're after a mindless action flick, and haven't been able to fill that hole of robots, explosions and bad gags that Dark Of The Moon left in your soul, then you can't go wrong with this one. In the end, it's all a bit of fun. Basically, since I'm watching this in the wake of Curiosity's landing on Mars, the only message I can take away from this movie is that the advancement of science is threatening to expose us to all kinds of alien shit, and only the military can take care of it. So stop funding space phone calls, and keep on buying missiles. Because America. Navy. Ooorah. Wait, that's the Marines. Well, okay, them too. 'Murica.

My rating: 2/5

Today's Review: Silica Gel

Ah, silica gel. Where would we be without it? Probably in the same place, but with slightly damper shoes. I'm not reviewing silica gel for its useful abilities inside my show boxes. It has other uses to me. Any time I think about how we as humans have advanced as a species, how intelligence and innovation are some of our key qualities, all I have to do is think of a packet of silica gel to remind me there are still some really stupid people out there.

What else does it say on the packet apart from "silica gel"? "Do not eat" of course. This implies one thing. That someone once bought a pair of shoes, cracked open the box, saw an unknown substance nestled between his new footwear, and thought "You know what? I bet that's delicious". Hours later, lying in hospital, gravely ill from the moisture that this substance absorbed from him, they asked why the hell he would eat silica gel. His only reply? "Well, it didn't tell me not to eat it. So now we have to be reminded which things are probably not good to eat, because we can't figure that shit out on our own.

Do you feel pride in the human race? Then take a gander at a pack of silica gel. Guaranteed to instantly humble you.

My rating: 1/5