Today's Review: John Carter

I wasn't too sure what to think about this movie when it was first announced. It was put across as something pretty epic that had taken a long time to be adapted (100 years, woah!), but there really wasn't all that much publicity. Some say that was its downfall. Others say it was just a bit of a crappy movie.

John Carter follows the adventures of John Carter, surprisingly. He's just an army captain caught up in the American Civil War, but he doesn't want to kill dudes, he wants to go hunting for a cave of gold. After being detained by Bryan Cranston for a while (second strange bit part in as many weeks), he finds said mysterious cave, but also gets ahold of a mysterious amulet that transports him to Mars. Except it's not really called Mars, it's called Barsoom, and it's inhabited by a strange four armed deadly tribe of aliens, who decide to take him in because he can jump real high thanks to the change in gravity.

But Barsoom is under threat from an ongoing war between the cities of Helium and Zodanga, populated by humans who have redder skin, because they're on Mars I guess, and they needed to make John look pasty so they could label him as an outsider. Well, naturally, John becomes embroiled in the fight, especially since a hot princess is involved, and things just escalate from there.

Yes, that's quite a lot of plot points there, and I didn't really cover everything. There are several quite interesting threads going on at any time, but that also means there is a lot to explain and introduce the audience to, and despite John Carter being over two hours long it still feels like it's lacking some important plot points. There are some flashback scenes in particular that seem to be just thrown in, with no real explanation given. Perhaps they're to be explored more in a sequel, but Carter seemed pretty over it by the end of this movie.

Not only is there a somewhat complex plot to get your head round, there's a whole bunch of weirdly named stuff. Thankfully John Carter is just as clueless about it as we are, and utters every strangely named thing like he's Matt Damon from Team America. Yeah, Carter's southern drawl was certainly one of the biggest things that put me off the character, but I must admit he grew on me as the movie went on.

In fact, I was going in expecting to hate it, and probably willing myself to a little as well, and despite it certainly starting in somewhat mediocre fantasy action hero ways I really started to enjoy myself towards the end, especially as the action really stepped up and delivered some pretty epic battle scenes. It's just a shame that there was so much to explain first, and even more so that they still didn't manage to cram everything in. The first half of the movie seems quite rushed, but the potential really comes through in the final scenes, and shows what Andrew Stanton would really have in mind for sequels.

It's unlikely we'll get one though, this movie didn't make nearly as much profit as expected. I would totally watch a sequel though, now most of the exposition is out of the way they really have a chance to let it shine. So c'mon Disney, I know you've got the money. Sure, the first movie was a bit cheesy, and the pacing was a bit off, but this is Andrew Stanton we're talking about. He gave us Finding Nemo and Wall-E, I'm sure he can pull off a few more good movies with this series.

My rating: 4/5

Today's Review: Project X

I'm getting old. Sure, I went to a couple of house parties in my teenage years, and they were pretty awesome, but nowadays the whole prospect just makes me cringe. Who the hell would let teenagers into their home? Kids are assholes.

Project X follows three assholes in particular, played by newcomers, because they want you to think this really happened. Yes, it employs the hand held video camera filming technique, which is kinda starting to annoy me. I know they wanted to make it "realistic", but Warner Bros. have decided to plaster the box and the beginning of the movie with a disclaimer saying that it's not real and holy shit do not do this. Anyway, these teenage assholes are led by the king asshole, Costa, who decides to invite everyone in the world to a birthday party at his friend Thomas' house. Naturally things go wildly out of control, boobies, swears and booze fly everywhere, and everyone thinks it's awesome somehow.

Well, I spent most of this movie cringing. I knew it was fake, but I've heard enough stories to know that people are like this nowadays. Kids piss me off on the best of days, so to put a bunch of them in one place acting like complete assholes just makes me feel uncomfortable. Still, that all wore off in the end when everything spun completely out of control, and I could finally see that the movie wasn't too badly done. It reaches a pretty epic scale by the end, and they actually show the repercussions of everything that happens.

So yeah, Project X is not too bad once you settle into it. But it's still just a bunch of asshole being assholes.

My rating: 3/5

Today's Review: The Special 500th Post Guest Review

Wow, this is my 500th post. I've been reviewing for a long time. 500 days in fact. To mark this special occasion I'd like to present the first guest review, written by my good friend Robin, who also designed the logo for this blog. So without further ado, here it is:

Guest Review - Schwarzkopf Live Colour XXL Shake-It-Up Colour Foam

First of all, thank you kindly to Messr Dan Bishop for allowing me to provide the first ever guest entry for A Review A Day. I was proud to provide the graphic banner for this expository tour de force, and am even prouder to help share with the world a learned verdict of Western Consumerism's many available commodities.

Without further ado, let me introduce you to Shake it Up Colour Foam, a new method for changing your follicular hue from our good friends at Schwarzkopf. It is provided in a canister whose shape and materials puts one in mind of a takeaway Frappucino or Smoothie - these are fun things that make us feel better, so naturally we expect that this particular hair colorant will also provide a fun and enriching experience. A notion further cemented by their use of the word "fun" on the packaging, alongside such words as "vibrant," "dazzling," and "easy."

I wish to focus the brunt of my review on that particular claim - "easy," in particular "easy as shampoo - no dripping," as the blue circle promises us. Let's examine that, shall we? In my 25 years of experience cleaning my hair with shampoo, this is the procedure I am familiar with:

1. Put blob of shampoo on hands
2. Rub in to hair
3. Wash off
4. Enjoy having clean hair for roughly 24 hours, depending on activity levels.

I'm sure some of you might have variations on that, but I think we can agree it's all a fairly simple process, thusly a claim that dying ones hair with a similar level of ease is an attractive proposition. But is this claim true? Let's compare the above with the procedure I am now familiar with for using Shake it Up Colour Foam.

1. According to instructions, empty small bottle of aggressive chemicals in to canister.
2. Gingerly retrieve small see-through packet of gloves from amongst chemicals.
3. Put on gloves
4. Notice that the packet of powder you need to open has no tear mark, so retrieve scissors.
5. Open powder and mix in to aggressive chemicals by shaking canister (with lid on).
6. Open canister and move head back to avoid unpleasant smell. Make peace with the fact you're about to rub this on your head.
7. Remember that the packaging promises no drips, so you can apply in liberal amounts. Therefore retrieve generous dollop and place on your head.
8. Utter mild swear words as half the dollop drips well away from your target, possibly on your own body, your sink, or perhaps staining bathroom upholstery.
9. While holding back thoughts of retribution against Schwarzkopf, take smaller dollops and begin adding to your hair, until it is all covered.
10. Following instructions, employ circular motions to ensure total coverage of every hair.
11. (If applicable, put your glasses back on.) Curse the fact that the circular motions have caused more drips on various places on you and your bathroom, as well as spreading of the dye on to the areas of skin surrounding your hair.
12. Reign in your frustration while you use several pieces of toilet paper to try and get the dye off your skin while keeping it in your hair.
13. That's never going to work, so give up, and take the gloves off. Reject the irritation that comes from realising that the gloves have let plenty of the goo on your hands anyway.
14. Wash your hands and other stained body parts.
15. Go and sit down for 30 minutes somewhere. Which is strange, because I never remember having to sit down for 30 minutes in the middle of using shampoo, but I must be wrong, as this process is as easy as using shampoo.
16. Go and wash off the goo from your hair. The instructions say to do this until the water runs clear, however this point will never arrive if you stay on our standard time-space continuum, so decide a point at which to give up.
17. Look in the mirror and be disappointed by the results.

At my count that's thirteen extra steps beyond the simplicity of using shampoo, many of the points being infinitely more complex in and of themselves. Therefore I have one response to the claim "easy as shampoo - no dripping," and that response is: bollocks.

However I must admit on the second day, after another wash and condition, the colour has come out okay. A fairly nice and bright red for someone whose natural colour is dark brown.

But the process is far more complex, irritating and drippy than the more traditional offerings, so despite the successful colouring I am loathed to give this silly gimmick a high score.

My rating: 2/5


Well, that was quite in depth. I feel like I know a lot more about hair dye now, and I've done it myself a few times. But oh, Robin, you shouldn't believe everything you read. Of course there'll be drips if you throw caution to the wind and rub it around your scalp like a man infested with head lice. That's the way I picture it anyway. I agree with the gloves aspect though. Those things are tiny, hardly big enough for my chunky man hands. I find that a little bit sexist. As for the dye on your face, I know it's not ideal, but it's just as easy to attempt to remove once the process of rubbing it into your hair is done. Just scrub away until the skin's gone. Ta-dah!


One thing Robin didn't mention is the smell it promises, the "juicy fruity scent". How exactly does something smell juicy? Or do they mean it smells like Juicy Fruit? I saw him a couple of days after this process was done, and I cannot say he smelled like chewing gum. Perhaps the scent is short lived, like when you can actually smell that scented shampoo you use. It's always gone by the time you see someone else, and you have to get them to shove their face in your hair so they can smell it. Other people do that too, right? Anyway, I suppose it is quite like shampoo in that respect, but that's pretty crappy. 


All in all, a great review, though I do have some apprehensions regarding Robin's ability to properly apply hair dye, perhaps there is a bit of bias in there. But it is a shitty process that stains everything, so I guess I can pretty much agree with him.


My rating: 4/5

Today's Review: Cheetos Spirals: Cheese And Ketchup Flavour

I do love a big bag of Cheetos. But the powers that be have decided that we British are not worthy enough to buy this awesome snack, so my experiences are few and far between. Still, I've picked up bags of the regular variety and the crunchy, which are clearly my favourite. But at the new Polish supermarket I found this bag of loveliness. 

They're quite weird actually. Certainly the same kind of texture as original Cheetos, but slightly more powdery. The weirdest part is that despite that they don't leave behind much of the signature Cheeto dust on your fingers. They're just softer overall really, they almost crumble in your mouth and let the flavour go. Not sure how I feel about that.

As far as the flavour is concerned, it isn't all that great. Sure, it's cheesy, but the ketchup part leaves much to be desired, and in fact it just makes me wish that it was all cheese, 'cause that's what Cheetos do best. Sure, these are a tasty snack, but I know Cheetos can be so much better.

My rating: 3/5

Today's Review: Green Apple Mentos

There's a Polish supermarket that's just opened up nearby, so of course I went in hunting for some interesting foodstuffs. Well, just sweets and crisps really. But I stumbled upon some green apple flavour Mentos, alongside the regular minty and fruity varieties.

There's not too much to say. They're just like any other Mentos. The flavour though, is awesome. It's slightly tangy, wonderfully fruity, they were wolfed down with some speed. They're a great addition to an already fantastic range.

My rating: 5/5

Today's Review: The Rabid Response To Fifty Shades Of Grey

This did it for me. I've been letting the massive success of this book pass somewhat under my radar, but now I find out that my local Waterstones has completely sold out. It's crazy. Well, I guess you wouldn't want to buy it used. Ick.

For those of you somehow not aware of the Fifty Shades trilogy, it is a series of books in which a young innocent virgin, Anastasia Steele (what an awesome yet horrifying name), is targeted and stalked by mysterious billionaire Christian Grey. Finally he persuades her to let him sex her up in all kinds of wonderful ways (BDSM, oh my!). While it sounds like something you might see on Crimewatch, since this is novelised it's, like, the best thing ever, 'cause Christian Grey sounds really hot and this corrupted young woman is definitely completely into it of her own accord.

I won't be able to get through this review without sounding sexist, so I'm just gonna lay it all out. Women are perverts. The first book just managed to surpass Harry Potter as the fastest selling paperback of all time. Harry. Potter. You know who likes Harry Potter? Everyone. When a new book came out you'd see young and old alike with their heads buried in it wherever you went. But somehow, this book has managed to surpass it. There are statistically more rabid horny women than rabid Harry Potter fans. That's a scary thought.

So yes, it's a series of erotic novels. I can't say I've read them, but I've read excerpts, and after that reading the whole lot seems to be the worst thing I could ever possibly do with my time. It's pretty badly written, which is understandable seeing as it originated as a fan fiction of Twilight. Yeah. Seriously. Write about a pasty girl and a vampire doing lots of sex, change the names and you're onto a winner. The sex scenes themselves are standard erotic fare, all elongated shafts and clutching and thrusting, but they've got so many women hot under the collar that I've started to wonder if the female race has forgotten about the existence of porn. Or, in fact, sex altogether.

But no, of course they haven't forgotten about porn, they still think men are perverts for watching it, judging us from behind their book while they read about Mr. Grey producing a contract asking if Anastasia would like to participate in anal fisting. If a man wrote a book about a guy tying women up and sticking his engorged penis synonym anywhere he could put it, there'd be an uproar, but no, it's written by a lady. It's being treated like a call to arms for women to experience their sexuality again, by reading about a guy completely dominating a woman. Yeah. Sounds legit.

So come on, calm down ladies. It's just a book. You should try the real thing sometime.

My rating: 0/5

Today's Review: The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel

The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel is like Love Actually, but with just a bunch of old people. Also less love, and set in India. So actually it is not like Love Actually, but it has got Bill Nighy in it, as part of a nice British ensemble cast.

So all these old guys play a bunch of old guys, who due to several different circumstances find themselves taking residence in a dilapidated retirement home in India, run by inept but determined young man Sunny (Dev Patel). After the inevitable culture shock, especially felt by massive racist Muriel (Maggie Smith), the residents begin to see the beauty of the country and its residents, and begin to see that their final days may not be as grim as they once thought.

Well, yes, that's pretty much the story, and we can probably all guess that everything will work out in the end, but this is a light hearted drama with a bunch of very good actors who all play their roles quite wonderfully. Muriel's transformation is probably the best of the bunch, but we also have Judi Dench's Evelyn, who's probably the most grounded of the lot. You probably couldn't ask for a better cast, and they even overshadow the shortcomings of the plot.

So yes, I enjoyed this. Not so much for the substance, but for the performances that made it, and the heartwarming moments that the cast created. It's not perfect, but it's a solid movie.

My rating: 4/5