Monday 25 June 2012

Today's Review: The Rabid Response To Fifty Shades Of Grey

This did it for me. I've been letting the massive success of this book pass somewhat under my radar, but now I find out that my local Waterstones has completely sold out. It's crazy. Well, I guess you wouldn't want to buy it used. Ick.

For those of you somehow not aware of the Fifty Shades trilogy, it is a series of books in which a young innocent virgin, Anastasia Steele (what an awesome yet horrifying name), is targeted and stalked by mysterious billionaire Christian Grey. Finally he persuades her to let him sex her up in all kinds of wonderful ways (BDSM, oh my!). While it sounds like something you might see on Crimewatch, since this is novelised it's, like, the best thing ever, 'cause Christian Grey sounds really hot and this corrupted young woman is definitely completely into it of her own accord.

I won't be able to get through this review without sounding sexist, so I'm just gonna lay it all out. Women are perverts. The first book just managed to surpass Harry Potter as the fastest selling paperback of all time. Harry. Potter. You know who likes Harry Potter? Everyone. When a new book came out you'd see young and old alike with their heads buried in it wherever you went. But somehow, this book has managed to surpass it. There are statistically more rabid horny women than rabid Harry Potter fans. That's a scary thought.

So yes, it's a series of erotic novels. I can't say I've read them, but I've read excerpts, and after that reading the whole lot seems to be the worst thing I could ever possibly do with my time. It's pretty badly written, which is understandable seeing as it originated as a fan fiction of Twilight. Yeah. Seriously. Write about a pasty girl and a vampire doing lots of sex, change the names and you're onto a winner. The sex scenes themselves are standard erotic fare, all elongated shafts and clutching and thrusting, but they've got so many women hot under the collar that I've started to wonder if the female race has forgotten about the existence of porn. Or, in fact, sex altogether.

But no, of course they haven't forgotten about porn, they still think men are perverts for watching it, judging us from behind their book while they read about Mr. Grey producing a contract asking if Anastasia would like to participate in anal fisting. If a man wrote a book about a guy tying women up and sticking his engorged penis synonym anywhere he could put it, there'd be an uproar, but no, it's written by a lady. It's being treated like a call to arms for women to experience their sexuality again, by reading about a guy completely dominating a woman. Yeah. Sounds legit.

So come on, calm down ladies. It's just a book. You should try the real thing sometime.

My rating: 0/5

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