Saturday 21 May 2011

Today's Review: The Rapture

The end of the world. When will it be? Science places it at several million years away, when the sun turns into a red giant and envelopes Earth, at which point the human race will be long extinct. But that's obviously bullshit, because the real answer lies in one book that was written ages ago, and it takes a hell of a lot of analysis and guess work to get a real answer, but it's there.

The Rapture was today, as predicted by Harold Camping, a guy who knows about these things because he's read the Bible. At 6 p.m. earthquakes would shake our world,  and all the good Christians would meet Jesus in the air, and be taken to heaven, leaving us sinners, in preparation for the end of the world five months from now. I presume the start time was 6 p.m. because Camping called Jesus to get an estimated delivery time and he could only say he'd be coming from 8 a.m., and 6 at the latest.

I was at work at 6 this evening, because I feel that the thing people really need before they are delivered from Earth is to watch a movie and eat some popcorn. I didn't feel an earthquake, but that's probably because Britain isn't on a fault line, so we're lucky there. I didn't see any bright lights or people rising up either, but that could have been because I was surrounded by sinners. I didn't see Jesus anywhere, but I'd assume that he'd be floating above Big Ben or some other landmark, so it would suck if you're being Raptured all the way from Scotland. You might be really slow at the flying and everyone would be gone by the time you got there.

To be honest, I'm not sure if the Rapture occurred at all. There don't appear to be any news reports confirming it, but if anyone could hush the media it would be Jesus. But how are people supposed to rise up anyway? Tractor beams? Maybe God expected us to have evolved the power of flight by now, but instead we've been evolving modern medicine to the point where totally inadequate people can breed. Oops.

Well, I'd probably like to stay on Earth anyway. Sure, the world may end in five months, but everyone would know that, it'd be a free for all. I could probably go everywhere I wanted to, there'd be peace on Earth probably. One world banded together under threat of apocalypse, just like at the end of Watchmen. Oops, spoiler. You've only got five months to read it, so you'd better get to it.

Well, I'm a man of science, and no empirical evidence suggests to me that Jesus did not come and take his people. Sorry, but I'd need to see something on YouTube, because I believe everything I see on the internet. But perhaps the Rapture wasn't what everyone was expecting anyway. Maybe everyone just lost a pound, or sprouted a second head for a split second and felt a bit awkward afterwards. Either way it all feels like a bit of a cop out.

My rating: 0/5

By the way, I've been studying one of my books for a while, and I'm pretty sure that Voldemort is gonna rise next month, so keep an eye on that.

No comments:

Post a Comment