Friday 13 May 2011

Today's Review: The Mess My Kids Make

I'm surrounded by mess. There are toys, clothes, plates, stuff just strewn everywhere. It never used to be this way. The were no toys, anyway. It used to be just me, alone, in my room, surrounded by things i'd discarded and couldn't be bothered to clean up in my adolescent laziness. Those were the days. The days when your parents would tell you to clean your room and did it for you eventually anyway.

That's because they know. They know what's coming. While they're picking up your empty plates and only slightly dirty clothes, they're laughing inside. Because one day you'll be the parent, and the harsh truth will hit you. It's not so bad at first. You've got a tiny little baby, it can't even move. It just lies there, drinking milk, screaming, sleeping. But then the nappies start to get a little too dirty. You start getting poop on your arms, and it annoys you, but you can't take it out on the baby.

Soon enough they'll begin to move. Roll over, crawl, that's okay, they're not interested in grabbing things ye- holy fuck everything's been pulled off the shelves. Keep your possessions out of reach people, they're going down. DVD boxes will be trampled, discs broken, taken out of alphabetical order for God's sake. But that's just your stuff. You know what kids like to play with? Toys. Toys get everywhere. You find cars in your shoes, a piece in the bedroom for a toy that is in the living room.

It's okay to start with. You don't have too many toys, not too many pieces, you can put it all back quite easily. But children get toys all the time. Birthdays, Christmas, it just increases the amount of mess that can build up in your home. Soon enough you'll leave the room for just a second and an almighty crash will pull you back to find your child sitting in a pile of stuff that he finds interesting for one minute. Then they'll go and destroy something else. Oh well, you think, tidying up the first pile. But as soon as that's done and you move onto something else, they're back destroying the first thing. I swear it's some kind of sick game telepathically communicated between all babies.

Whatever you do, don't have two kids. That's twice the mess. They can gang up on you. While you're clearing up one thing they're destroying two. It only ends when they're asleep, but even then they're kicking off bed sheets or peeing themselves or something. And when one is a couple of years older than the other they'll start to complain that some of their favourite toys are missing. Sure, they've emptied the entire box looking for their one item, but you can guarantee it's behind the washing machine or something because the little one just thought "You know what? I'm gonna throw these things around today for no reason"

Food gets thrown on the floor, drinks get knocked over. Shoes get kicked off, clothes taken off and left on the floor. Faces get dirty, sofas get dirtier somehow. Mess, mess, mess.I know it'll get better. My kids will become more disciplined, they'll learn to value everything being in its right place. But right now it's messy, and I don't like that. But I guess I'll just bite my tongue, carry on with what I've become accustomed to, and wait for the day when I turn up to see my grandkids and find the place is a bomb site. How d'you like them apples, kids?

My rating: 0/5

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