Today's Review: iPhone Message Tones

I like Apple. They make awesome stuff. It doesn't just look amazing, it just works. Haters gonna hate, and they regularly do, but shut the hell up and get a Mac, assholes. I wish everything I had were made by Apple. If they had Apple life support machines at hospital I'd probably find a way to self induce a coma, 'cause being hooked up to one of those is surely better than real life.

 I got my first iPod when I was about 14, then I got another one when that one died about 4 years later. That one's dead now too, sad face. I currently have my Frankenstein MacBook made from two broken ones that I mentioned in a previous review. Apple stuff doesn't break easily, I just have a tendency to break nice expensive stuff. With that in mind, I am currently on my fourth iPhone. I dropped my first 3G while trying to take a picture of otters. The screen smashed on some grit. It still worked completely fine, and once i'd swiped out the tiny shards of glass it was fine. But it was also insured, so I got myself a new one. Then the iPhone 4 came out, and I queued for 6 hours to pick it up because clearly I am awesome. Alas, a misconnection in the button forced me to take it into the Apple Store where they supplied me with a spanking new one. Almost three years, four iPhones. How impressive of me.

My iPhone does everything I want it to. It Facebooks, it tweets, it knows what songs are when I hold it up to speakers, it tells me where places are, what movies are on nearby, scans barcodes and gives me the best prices, and supplies me with teh lulz and many pointless games. But despite all the things I can do on my iPhone, there is one thing I lament. I can't change the damn message tone.

The iPhone 5 is close to being announced. FIVE. It's been almost four years since the first iPhone was brought out, and since then it's been fitted with 3G, two cameras, a compass, retina screen, and software updates that make it much more awesome each time. But still I'm not able to make my own message tone. Custom ringtone? That's fine, but somehow Steve Jobs has an awfully big problem with letting people choose the sound of their text message.

He's not completely without compassion though, there are about twenty message tones to choose from thanks to a previous update that added to the original six. The problem is, every single one of them sounds like shit being scraped on sandpaper. Which I assume just sounds like shit, but with a grating tinge to it. So, I've had the Tri-Tone message tone for the entirety of my iPhone ownership time.

Problem is, I don't know anyone with an iPhone who doesn't use the Tri-Tone tone. It wasn't such a big problem a couple of years ago when iPhones were quite rare, but now you can walk into a busy shop and be guaranteed that at least five people have an iPhone in your vicinity. So when one person gets a message, everyone gets out their phone. I'd find it mightily hilarious if I weren't one of the people who has to check, but I am, and it's annoying. The tone also matches the sound that Macs make when something's finished installing, so that's not much help either.

I want to make my own message tone. Is that too much to ask? I could, if I jailbroke my phone, but that seems a lot of effort for something that could have been implemented a long time ago by Apple. What are they doing? Putting a third, sideways camera on the new iPhone so you can have Facetime conversations including an awkwardly angled shot of someone standing next to you? Here's a hint. Stop all production on the iPhone for what, five minutes, and make it so I can have the "I found a secret" theme from Zelda play every time someone texts me. Then you will have my complete, unwavering love and attention.

My rating: 1/5