Wednesday 2 March 2011

Today's Review: Sneezing

It is clear from simple observation that people are divided over the issue of sneezing. Some people are repulsed by the idea, while some let it out loudly and proudly. I am one of the latter. Sneezing feels good, man. Really good. You've gotta do it right though, or it's really disgusting.

Many a time I have seen people with that sneezy sensation expressed through their eyes. The apprehension spreading across their face, head leaning back, erratic blinking. Then it happens. At the moment of truth, they grab their nose or some shit like that and the sneeze gets misappropriated into some strange snort that I can only assume is a small explosion inside their head that almost wipes out their sinuses. It infuriates me. If only these people were more open to that idea of a loud raucous sneeze that lets the world know "Yes, my face was tickly in places, but now I have vanquished all those ill feelings, accompanied by an amazing feeling rippling throughout my body. I'm not going to liken it to an orgasm though, because you'll think i'm a weird pervert". A friend of mine just said a sneeze is "like a scratch for an itch in a place where a finger can't go". Although i'm pretty sure I could get my finger all round my face and brains with a lot of effort, he's damn right in that respect.

So what's with all you sneeze avoiders? Is it a health thing? I'm well aware that when you sneeze vast amounts of snot, spittle and other fluids come rushing out of you at high speed, but better out than in, I say. There's so much shit in the air already that a little bit of my stuff won't make a difference i'm sure. Of course, I don't full on sneeze in someone's face, as although it may be hilarious to do so at times, it's on the whole a bit disgusting. So for all you sneezer haters, I present to you the most socially polite option to let that mother rip: The Dracula Sneeze.

Every time you get that familiar feeling, act like a badass vampire. None of that glittering Twilight vampire crap, you act like freaking Dracula. Take your arm, pull it across your face and let that sneeze rip into the back of your elbow. Reap the results of your newly found pleasurable feeling, and look like Dracula while you do it. You can thank me by sending me a gift voucher.

Ever wonder why looking at the sun helps you sneeze? So did I, so I just looked it up. Apparently the nerve that triggers a sneeze is located very closely to the optic nerve, and when the optic nerve gets a sudden flood of light the nerve in your nose is agitated, causing the sneeze. Not that many people have studied it, but still, ain't that interesting? See, I can give out useful information instead of just biased rambling opinion.

So, all you sneeze haters. Stop stressing about germs, we're gonna get them either way, and no matter how disgusting some of the people i've seen are, I have never had someone sneeze in my face. Channel that sneeze right through your mouth and let the good times flow. You'll thank me for it. With a gift voucher.

My rating: 5/5

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