Saturday 5 March 2011

Today's Review: Peanut Butter

Arachibutyrophobia is the fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of your mouth. There doesn't seem to be a phobia of peanut butter itself, but the way some people go on i'm sure a diagnosis isn't far off. The two different phobias have to be mutually exclusive though. You must eat a lot of peanut butter if you experience the rare occurrence of it sticking to the roof of your mouth enough to develop a phobia. But anyways, why all the hate for peanut butter? Let's explore.

There seems to be a stigma surrounding peanuts in general. Babies can't eat them, though Amelia scarfed down some of my Crunchy Nut Cornflakes the other day, just when I thought I'd found my safe cereal. She's out of the danger zone, dammit. But people always eat peanuts on TV and in movies and stuff and their faces swell up and they almost die. That's some bad press right there. But even to those who don't die when they lick nuts (hee hee, a double entendre), people just don't seem to be down with the peanut butter.

Well, that's because they're old and boring. I love peanut butter. I've loved it all my life. Smooth peanut butter, mind you, not crunchy, that just tastes like someone kicked a load of grit and dirt into my peanut butter. Peanut butter isn't for kids, it's for awesome people. I assume this because obviously I think i'm awesome.... Not convinced? Just look at America.

Americans LOVE peanut butter. They put it in chocolate all the time, and it tastes goooood. Reese's pieces, peanut butter M&Ms, Butterfingers, peanut butter Kit Kats, I wish I didn't have to pay extortionate prices to fill my face with peanut butter chocolate goodness. I guess I could just get peanut butter and chocolate and combine them, but it's not the same. I'd feel like some kind of closeted culinary freak, with people judging me like they do when I say I ate a peanut butter burger (seriously, it's good, try it). If I eat genuine manufactured products, I feel accepted. 

There's another thing I never see in England, and that's PB&J, or peanut butter and jelly. I know, I know, it sounds absolutely disgusting when you first hear about it, but it's all the rage over there. Kids live on it. When you first try it, it's probably not gonna be great, it's an acquired taste, but i've really grown to like it. Which is a shame, 'cause sometimes I get a craving for a PB&J sandwich and I haven't brought back a jar from my latest trip to wherever happens to sell it. Please note, it's peanut butter and jelly, not jam. Jam has pieces of the fruit in, but jelly is purely made from the juice. The more you know.

Maybe you once enjoyed peanut butter. Maybe the ravages of time have taken away the childish joy you experienced every time you took a bite of that sweet sandwich in your packed lunch. Maybe you've grown to enjoy club sandwiches, with all their standard meats, cheeses and salad. Sure, they can be nice, but each one is counting down to your very demise. So backtrack, feel young again. Dip your knife in the smooth (or crunchy if you're weird) fountain of youth of the buttery peanut. Even if you're allergic, do it anyway (I don't condone this). Oh, peanut butter, the most misunderstood of sandwich fillings. I shall fight for your right to party. In people's mouths. 

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