Tuesday 21 June 2011

Today's Review: The Rate At Which Hair Grows Out Of My Face

Once upon a time I was a young boy, and I knew not the personal hazards of creeping facial hair, and the shaving thereof. Beards were a thing of wonder, to be looked up to. A beard was the epitome of manliness, topped only by a beard accompanying a moustache, or maybe a styled beard accompanying a styled moustache.

But as I got older, the hair started to creep onto my own face. "But wait," I thought, "I'm not ready yet. How can I live up to the sense of righteousness that a massive beard thrust upon its wearer?" So I started shaving, at first with an electric razor, until I found out they sucked. Besides, sliding a sharp object along your face is much more manly. At first the hair was very manageable, it was merely stubble that was easily cast aside. But now, at the age of 24, the hair is starting to win.

I can get away with shaving every two days, but on that second day I really start to look a bit unkempt. Shaving daily will be the final nail in the coffin of my youth, and I'm sure a large portion of my wages will go towards the newest Wilkinson Sword razor that promises more shaving power because it has 15 blades and vibrates even more erratically than before.

At the moment I'm a terrible shaver. This is probably because I use Tesco value razors and shaving foam, and I really should be kinder to my face. My face clearly deserves it however, with its constant sprouts of monobrow hair, and even some strands above my cheeks. My face is intent on turning me into a monkey, and I don't like that one bit. My sideburns are always creeping up on me too. I think I'm keeping them in control, but I always end up with furry clumps that threaten to grow into my ears and prematurely turn me into a pensioner.

But I will continue to shave. My facial hair growth is not completely out of control. I partook in Movember last year and didn't manage to grow a respectable bushy moustache in a month, so the rate has to increase significantly if I'm to ever grow a beard to use as a quick disguise. Still, all this shaving is getting tiresome, so it could soon be high time to just throw in the towel and let it grow wherever it wants. Sure, I may look like a hobo, but with a bit of work and styling I could look like a hippy, or a pirate. Pirates are cool.

Who am I kidding, I'm no pirate. My facial hair could grow far beyond what I'm comfortable with, which at the moment is the look of a slightly alcoholic person. But while the rate of hair growth is an annoyance to me, it's good to know that one day I can give everything up and have a nice full mane by the time I hit the high seas.

My rating: 3/5

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