Once upon a time, if you were to defecate, you would have to wipe your butt with leaves. Or something worse, or not at all. In fact, come to think of it, since there was no specific tool with which to wipe, there must have been so much choice available. Do you rub up against a tree? Or on a sleeping enemy's face? Go for it, no one will think any less of you, what else are you gonna wipe with?
Then one day paper was invented. Some cut a tree up real thin and though "Let's write on this". Then for some reason someone wiped their arse with paper instead of writing it, 'cause why not? Then they decided that they want something a little bit softer than regular paper, so they made paper a bit softer, and there we have it. Paper specifically designed for rubbing on your anus.
The whole world rejoiced, i'm sure. There might have been some old people who said that this new toilet technology would render our anuses lazy, and some murders were probably attributed to the killer's strange fascination with toilet paper, but nowadays toilet paper is the standard. Good thing too, 'cause I couldn't live without it. Well, I could live without it, but i'd smell a lot worse.
But, as there were once limitless choices of butt wiping utensils, there are now limitless types of toilet paper. You can have single, double, even triple ply, coloured, scented, toilet paper with cocoa butter or aloe vera, toilet paper with words it. The toilet paper industry is large. It's easy to get caught up in all the wonderful choices of brands on offer. Like toothpaste, toilet paper is always telling us that there's some extra additive that we need to put into our routine to be a normal human being.
You know what toilet paper I use? Tesco Value. I tend not to be sucked into the idea that my buttocks are not getting the love and treatment they deserve. My butt is for sitting on and expelling waste. It's not exactly the part of my body i'm most proud of. I do not wish to exhibit how my latest type of toilet paper is smoothing and moisturising my cheeks. I just want something that won't cost me too much money, and that doesn't feel like sandpaper.
It's easy to get persuaded into your higher class toilet paper purchases. Someone might come round and judge you on how good your toilet paper is, after all. But at the end of the day, it's really unnecessary. Want some extra ply in your paper? Don't fork out three times as much, just fold a piece of a cheaper paper over, and everything will work out for the best. Want your colon to smell nice? I guess spray some deodorant or something, but if you're getting people to sniff around there I really can't help you. Many people may disagree with me, many may say how their toilet paper makes their bathroom time a most enjoyable part of the day. But no matter how much you pitch it to me, I will not touch your soft butt, and I don't really care.
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