Today's Review: Baywatch

I've never seen the Baywatch TV show, I'll say that from the start. But I do know about the Hoff, Pamela Anderson and the slow motion red swimsuit running, and maybe that's all the education I need. Besides, let's review Baywatch on its own merits as an action comedy movie, rather than in comparison to the show. Either way, I think we're going to get the same result.

This is the part where I'd normally discuss the plot, but there's so little to it, and it's so predictable, I don't really want to bother. There's righteous muscle bound lifeguard Dwayne Johnson, fresh faced obnoxious muscle bound trainee lifeguard Zac Efron, bumbling joke fodder trainee lifeguard played by a chubby guy, and some women with boobs. I'm not trying to objectify here, boobs are a main focus and talking point for a large chunk of the movie. But don't worry ladies, there's something for everyone, with two elongated dick jokes that last for about five minutes each. 

It's all sandwiched between over the top chase scenes held together by a paint by numbers plot, which is pretty much narrated by the characters constantly as we go along, just in case you can't keep track of generic Hollywood story lines. This movie has fallen into that typical American comedy style that seems to be taking over nowadays. Several swears in a row, that's funny! Talking about genitals for a full minute, that's funny! Elongated improv style dialogue that contributes nothing to the overall movie, that's funny too!

I guess with everything else being awful, there is some saving grace in the action sequences. They inject a little bit of excitement, but most of the time they're very unnecessary. For the risk of spoiling the entirely predictable plot, there's a part where one of the life guards films the bad guys on her phone, then the bad guy takes it, sparking a gripping chase over a lake on jet skis, then through someone's house, at the end of which the bad guy breaks the phone in half. Why didn't he snap it to start with? Or, you know, chuck it in the large body of water? Unnecessary, much like this entire movie. I'd like to say it's alright for your typical Hollywood laugh fest, but I honestly can't even do that. Baywatch is bad.

My rating: 1/5