Saturday 28 December 2013

Today's Review: Button Up Flies

Flies are a pretty good invention. In a world where men are both expected to remain trousered and relinquish their parts from captivity in order to empty their bladders, flies on the trousers effectively reach the middle ground between wetting oneself and shimmying your pants round your ankles. All we have to do in public toilets is unzip, urinate, zip up and go. But only if you have a zipper. Some flies have buttons, and that's a whole other story.

Buttons are good for a few things. Shirt cuffs, for example, or smart jackets and shirts. But most of the time they're quite inconvenient and time consuming compared to a much more efficient zip. This is especially the case with trousers. Why are we expected to stand awkwardly unbuttoning our groins to answer the call of nature, and then stand afterwards at a urinal trying to fasten our trouser holes back together? Zips exist, they have been invented for convenience, but I can still buy trousers today that have button up flies for no apparent reason whatsoever. Most of the time I have to weigh up the time it takes to effectively button myself up and the risk of someone seeing me with one button unfastened, and assuming I'm some kind of forgetful pervert. Button up flies have no place in society nowadays. If I knew a thing about upholstery I'd be replacing them with zips myself, but alas, I am woefully uneducated, so all I can do is write a wordy review expressing my disdain. Boo.

My rating: 0/5

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